


Cork Tree Infirmary

by way1203



Category: America's Suitehearts - Fall Out Boy (Music Video), Bandom, Fall Out Boy, The Academy Is...
Genre: "Doctors", F/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Mibba Transfer, Temporary Amnesia, Unconventional medical care
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2008-03-05
Updated: 2013-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 06:24:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 27,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13875033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/way1203/pseuds/way1203
Summary: Welcome to Cork Tree Infirmary! Also known as "The best place for girls, patients, Suitehearts--people like you!"With a little help from Dr. Benzedrine, Donnie the Catcher, Mr. Sandman, and H. Shoe Crab, Cork Tree Infirmary can turn you from dead on arrival to an Honorable Mention!





	1. Dr. Benzedrine

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted on Mibba under the title "With Hospital Patients Only, Will the Doctor Tango Now" with this same username. I also had it on deviantArt for a while. It's time to bring it to Mibba for safekeeping! I wrote this while I was in high school after seeing America's Suitehearts and participating in that contest where you had to match the guys with the characters. 
> 
> This was one of my favorites to write. Hopefully, you'll enjoy it as much as I enjoyed creating it. Maybe I'll finally finish it now that it's on here.

"Oh Darling, it's about time you open your pretty little eyes."

I slept for eleven and a half hours last night and I'm still completely exhausted.

A few doctors say that the sleeping, emotions, aches, everything is because of the accident. The others say it was because of the medicine they put me on. Either way, my 'condition' must have been bad enough for them to send me to him. That one doctor that few tango with regardless of their health due to his unconventional methods. That one doctor that makes House look like a saint.

Dr. Benzedrine.

"Darling?"

I just remember falling asleep. I don’t remember the IV's that are currently sticking out of my arms, pumping me full of God knows what. I don’t remember.

I can't remember.

"Darling, are you alive, or shall I have you wheeled to the morgue?"

I opened my eyes and groaned at the sight of him. He was wearing his bright yellow doctor's coat, which only seemed even brighter with the sunshine pouring in through the open blinds. I quickly shut my eyes, hoping he never saw them open.

"Oh Darling, it's about time you open your pretty little eyes. Preferably for more than 3.5 seconds."

I kept my eyes shut. I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to be here.

"Darling, is it too bright in here?"

I kept my mouth shut. I didn't know why he called me 'Darling', but I did know that I didn't have to answer to it since that's not my name. As if I had said something, I heard Dr. Benzedrine walk over to the window and a few seconds later, it grew dark behind my eyelids again. He'd shut the blinds.

"There Darling, is that better?"

I opened my eyes. It was better, much better actually.

"Aww, poor Darling."

"Darling is not my name," I muttered under my breath.

"As long as my name is Dr. Benzedrine, your name will always be Darling to me."

I blinked at him and glanced around the room I was in. The four bland walls around me reminded me of how utterly alone I was and how Dr. Benzedrine had been the only visitor I received. Well him, and a man who I nicknamed Mr. Sandman since every time he enters my room, I fall asleep.

"Darling, daydreaming isn't exactly as fun as living, though it may seem like the only thing that helps you pass time."

My eyes shifted to his face and, before I could study his features long enough, he turned his back to me and walked towards the window. The only thing that I noticed from that glimpse was blue or green, maybe even hazel, eyes and light brown hair that was either long on the sides, or he just had sideburns. I looked at him standing by the window and noticed that he wasn't exactly tall but he wasn't less than five feet and that his stride had matched the arrogance of his talk.

I sighed uncomfortably.

Dr. Benzedrine whipped around, "What's the matter, Darling?"

He did have sideburns but they weren't odd, they actually fit his face.

"Just," I sniffed. "How long have I been here?"

"Let's see, about three days. But you shouldn't believe me, I wouldn't. Especially if I had been sleeping for eleven hours, give or take, each day." He grinned. "Don't look so surprised, Darling. Here, we want to fix you, your self-esteem, your thoughts, and your memories, even though some of them weren't so great. Some of our…our…."

"Patients?"

" _Patients_ is such a strong word. I like to call them _Suitehearts_. Some of our Suitehearts come in dead on arrival, without a purpose, what have you, and walk out of here as… _Honorable Mentions_ or trophies that prove that I really am the best psychological doctor and that I can fix everything."

He seemed so carefree and nonchalant about it all, that it almost made me sick.

I shook my head, "Trophies? Honorable Mentions? What is this place? A dog show of your flamboyant narcissism and arrogance?"

His face fell. "It would be wise if you didn't do this Darling. My temper, you'll find, can be short sometimes."

I swallowed, "Where am I?"

"Cork Tree Infirmary," he said, his smile inching its way across his face again. "The best place for people like you. I can fix everything."

"You can't fix everything. My parents couldn’t that's why they dumped me in this place."

"Darling, with this type of cynical behavior, I think I'm going to have to work much harder on you, or you'll never become an honorable mention here."

"I don’t believe that you can make me an honorable mention or a red ribbon, whatever you call it," I snapped.

"Darling, as long as you believe that I can help you, I can help you."

"And if I don’t believe?"

Dr. Benzedrine grinned with a dark look in his eyes.

"I will help you."


	2. Medicine

My bare feet hit the soaking wet 'grass' as I ran from the front wall to the back wall in the recreation room. Dr. Benzedrine said that I was to test my endurance. I said it was just to see how long it would take for me to slip and fall. Either way, the 'grass', which was more like artificial turf, felt like it was pricking my feet each time I took a step.

"Darling," Dr. Benzedrine watched me carefully. "Just seven more minutes alright?"

Easy for him to say, he was sitting on a stool, observing my progress, every so often marking something on a clipboard his held in the crook of this arm. I didn't answer; I just slowed my pace and jogged. I was running out of breath and energy, not to mention I was also extremely hot. The outfit I was wearing didn’t help much either. All 'Suitehearts' have to wear sweatpants with pockets and a long-sleeved shirt that had a turtleneck that stops about mid-neck. Both are gray, both are 90% cotton/10% polyester, and all of them have a specific number on the left thigh of the pants. For instance, mine has a 94 in maroon numbers.

Focusing on my lap count, I took my mind off the pain radiating through my legs and the possible shin splints I was receiving from this test. I guess I was concentrating too hard because, as I pivoted to run to the other side, I slipped on the damp turf and fell.

"Are you alright Darling?" He called.

"Fine!" I came off harsher than I intended.

"Alright. Three more minutes then, Darling!"

"Alright!"

Sweat ran down my face, dampening my hair and sweatshirt while I ran. I touched the front wall when he called time.

Benzedrine jotted down something on the clipboard, "Are you, hungry Darling?"

"Not exactly."

"Nonsense," he pulled my arm. "You haven't eaten since you arrived here, you must be hungry."

While I really wasn't hungry since I had just finished running, I couldn't disagree with him. I hadn't eaten. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time I had. I followed him to the refectory. There were three other girls scattered about in the cafeteria as well, one was accompanied by the man I nicknamed Mr. Sandman, one by a man all in green with shaggy hair, and the final girl by a man in red and fro-like hair.

"Sit here," Dr. Benzedrine patted a table, pulling out my chair. "I'll get your food and your medicine."

I did as I was told, taking my seat only to notice the other three girls staring at me. I wiped sweat away from my forehead and touched my wet ponytail, sighing when I realized that my hair wasn't going to be straight when it dried. I glanced down at my fingers and then back up again. The girls didn't take their eyes off of me.

"Newbie, girls," The man in the green stated. "Leave her alone."

The girls continued to stare, their eyes scanning me. It was like I had a label on my forehead that said 'Fresh Meat'. Dr. Benzedrine returned, placing the tray down in front of me with a definite slam.

"Hey!" He barked. "What are you all looking at? Didn't you hear what Donnie the Catcher said? Leave. Her. Alone."

Two of the girls turned their attention back to their food while the girl who was with 'Mr. Sandman' continued to stare at me.

"You heard him," Mr. Sandman stood up.

He went behind the staring girl and pushed her head so far forward, that I was afraid that he was going to push her into her food.

"Leave her alone."

I swore I heard her retort, "But I think I know her."

"Darling," Dr. Benzedrine touched my hand. "Please eat. Don’t let those other girls bother you."

I looked at the food in front of me and suddenly I was starving. The tray contained Jell-O, a peanut butter and honey sandwich, a ham and cheese sandwich, a green apple, a salad with bacon bits and ranch dressing, a Dr. Pepper in once of those small 12oz bottles, a Diet Coke that was in the same size bottle, an oatmeal raisin cookie, and a bowl of ice cream with sprinkles.

Dr. Benzedrine smirked, "Hungry Darling?"

My only answer was the immediate grabbing and chewing of the ham and cheese sandwich. Once I was finished with that, I took random bites of everything, alternating until my stomach began to churn. I realized then that maybe I shouldn't have eaten so fast, especially with my body being overheated.

"Darling?"

I placed the Diet Coke to my lips, taking a small sip before spewing everything I had just downed all over the table.

"Oh Darling!"

I felt the stares of the girls again and the footsteps of the other three men in the room, as I fell to the floor and continued to vomit.

"Is she alright Benzedrine?" The man in red asked.

"She didn't take her medicine," Donnie shook his head.

Dr. Benzedrine sat on the floor and grabbed my upper arms, sitting me between his legs with my back to his front. I panted and held my stomach, heaving every so often. A bitter taste filled my mouth as yellow bile dripped from my lips.

"Shh," he whispered. "There's nothing left. Take your medicine Darling, you'll feel better."

"No," I breathed.

I heaved again and nothing else would come out. Taking his chance, Dr. Benzedrine took a pill, put it in my mouth, and placed his hand over my mouth, before tilting my head back.

"Swallow!"

His voice was dark and I didn't dare challenge him. I swallowed.

"Good girl."

I felt Benzedrine's arms around me each time I attempted to heave, hearing him tell me 'no' or to 'stop it'. It felt like hours but it was probably only minutes or even seconds when my body stopped and I began to feel tired. My eyes closed and the last thing I remember hearing was that girl who stared at me and said:

"If we don't take the medication, we won't sleep for days."


	3. Off the Key of Reason

"Quite a live wire you brought in Benzedrine."

A man with dark eyes, short dark hair, and a painted on mouth, known only as Mr. Sandman, glared at Dr. Benzedrine. After her little incident in the cafeteria, Dr. Benzedrine placed 'Darling' back in her bed where she was currently sleeping it off. It was then that Sandman decided it was best to have a little chat with the infamous doctor.

"Look, I didn't bring her to Cork Tree," Dr. Benzedrine corrected. "Darling was brought here by her guardians, just like the rest of the girls here. Besides, if you're talking about her throwing up, it’s a simple mishap. She had just finished her first test and she hadn't eaten in days."

"Whose fault is that?" Mr. Sandman spat.

"She slept on and off for days, so this is the first day where she was awake long enough for me to give her the test! Give Darling a chance. She-"

Mr. Sandman rolled his eyes, "Ugh! Why do you call her Darling? Do you even know her real name?"

"Well," Dr. Benzedrine looked up thoughtfully. "Now that you think about, I don’t."

"You didn't even bother to read her file, did you?"

"A simple file doesn't matter in her case."

"Are you serious? Bez, you're singing just off the key of reason!"

"I think I'm pretty close to reason actually."

Mr. Sandman continued to press the issue, "With all the girls who are admitted and sent to me, I look at their file first. Donnie does it, same with Crab. That way, we can give them the right kind of treatment."

"I know her type," Benzedrine argued. "I've seen in the past girls."

"In all the girls who have been admitted to Cork Tree and sent to you, how many have had her characteristics?"

The doctor grew quiet, biting his lip in thought.

"You can't think of one because there haven't been."

"Actually there has been one."

"Who? Did you just make her up?"

"Sarah Ysper and no, I didn't just make her up. She was mine about three years ago. She fought at first and then she got better. All it took was a little-"

"You don't know without looking at her file what her best treatment interests are. Did it ever occur to you that maybe she might be better off with Donnie, Crab, or me?"

Dr. Benzedrine was as stubborn as ever and Mr. Sandman wasn't about to see another patient become a 'lost cause'.

"I don’t need to look at her file," Dr. Benzedrine stood up. "Darling will be just fine with me. I know it. I feel it."

"I don’t care what you feel. If you don’t read her file, I will and after that, I'll have her assigned to the right person so she can have the right treatment." Mr. Sandman stopped. "Unless your plan is to keep her here because you don’t want her to be treated."

"I never said that I didn't want her to be treated," Benzedrine walked towards the door, "I'll talk to you later okay? I need to check up on Darling."

"Benzedrine, why don’t you want her to be treated?"

He continued to walk away without looking back for even a fraction of a second.

"Get your ass back here and tell me what you want with her!"

Benzedrine knew he was the only one that could help her and he didn't care what her file said, Sandman wasn't going to stop him. He was going to help Darling.

Even if it meant her becoming a 'lost cause'.


	4. Ice Bath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This next chapter is slightly odd...as if this entire fic isn't.

When I woke up, my head was spinning, my mouth tasted like vomit, and I wasn't quite sure, but I think I was back in my bed. Blinking, I looked around and noticed the bland walls around me. I had to have been back in my bed, but how?

"When did I get here?" I groaned. "How did I get here?"

Dr. Benzedrine patted my arm, "You'll never remember, Darling, your head is far too blurry."

"My head is just fine," I lied.

He was right; I was having trouble remembering what happened before I blacked out. I remember running, puking, and a strange girl from the cafeteria, but not much else.

"If you say so," Benzedrine wrote something down on his clipboard. "Now, I have another test for you."

I opened my mouth to retort, when he grabbed my arm and placed me in a wheelchair.

"Come with me."

Dr. Benzedrine wheeled me through the fluorescent-lit halls of Cork Tree and pointed out things along the way, but I wasn't paying any attention. My mind, along with being blurry, wouldn’t stop spinning. I couldn't figure out what was going on, I mean, I knew he was taking me to a test, but what kind of test? What kind of place was I in, besides one for girls like Suitehearts, honorable mentions, and me? And why did I have to be here if nothing was wrong with me?

I groaned and placed my head in my hands, "Where the hell are you taking me?"

"To a test Darling," He reminded. "At Cork Tree, we try to get to know what type of girls we have and what's wrong with them, that way, we can accurately fix them."

"What if I don’t need fixing?"

"Nonsense, every girl who comes here needs something fixed."

"I don’t need fixing," I shook my head. "I'm fine."

"Obviously you do, otherwise you wouldn't be here."

"Obviously I don't if I can easily talk back to you and tell you what an inconsiderate jackass you're being for forcing me to go through these tests when nothing is wrong with me. Obviously I don’t, if I can tell you what a prick you are for not listening to me when I tell you that nothing is wrong with me!"

Dr. Benzedrine stopped my wheelchair and brought his face close to mine, "Look, Darling, it's not like I don't respect your opinion, but you're just so quick with your lips that your words do nothing but rip me apart. And that, is most likely one of the reasons why your dear mummy and daddy admitted you to Cork Tree."

I resisted the urge to punch him as he stood up and opened a door to a testing lab.

"Okay Darling," His sunny demeanor returned. " We're here for your next test."

The door shut behind us and Dr. Benzedrine took my hand, helping me stand up before collapsing the wheelchair and placing it to the side. The lab was definitely brighter than my room but darker than the halls. It had all the features of a normal doctors exam room, an exam cot, a sink, a counter, a rolling stool, with the exception of blue laminate floors and a metal bathtub full of fresh ice water.

"What's the tub for?" I questioned.

"Your next test," Dr. Benzedrine grinned. "Darling, I need for you to take off your clothes and sit in the bathtub for me."

I stared at him critically, "Excuse me?"

"Darling, either you undress yourself, or I undress you. Either way, I will see you naked at one point or another during this particular test."

I motioned for him to turn around, which he did as I quickly undressed. Once I was done, Dr. Benzedrine told me to enter the tub of ice water. Doing what I was told, I sat down in the water and immediately felt goose bumps rise up my arms. Sitting down on the rolling stool, Benzedrine rolled over to me with his clipboard.

"Darling, I need for you to stay in there as long as you can. When you can't bear it any longer, tell me. And I'll exam you on the exam table."

I nodded, I felt so exposed. My body went rigid from the cold; chill bumps covering every inch of my skin. I shivered as my breasts felt the air around me for a fraction of a second, my nipples hardening when I adjusted my position in the water. I quickly sunk into the water and placed my hands under my armpits.

"Darling, are you cold?" Dr. Benzedrine noticed.

"Shut up," I shivered.

"If you can't take it, get out of the water Darling."

"I'd rather get frostbite or hypothermia than for you to examine me naked."

"Suit yourself."

I sat in the freezing water, feeling my body go numb. My toenails were turning a light bluish purple and I could only guess that my fingernails were doing the same. I groaned and shivered.

"Darling," Dr. Benzedrine announced. "It's been almost three minutes. Do you want to get out?"

I shook my head. I could barely feel my lower half but I didn't want him to examine me naked. Before I could react, I felt someone's hands on my upper arms, pulling me up towards the ceiling.

"Darling, I don’t care if you're not ready, you've been in there long enough if your lips are beginning to turn blue."

"Let me down!"

Benzedrine said nothing as he helped me out of the tub and onto the exam cot. I felt my body shake as he pressed my upper body down.

"Lie down."

I did as I was told, "I'm so cold…"

Dr. Benzedrine smirked, patting the side of my face gently, his left hand on my side.

"Don’t worry Darling, I have a way to get you warm."


	5. Forbidden Fruit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may be dating myself, but remember the CFOB (Citizens For Our Betterment) Mixtape that came out with before the 2008 election with various clips and songs from Fueled By Ramen artists? There are some references to it in this chapter.

"What are we listening to?" I questioned.

After Dr. Benzedrine had removed me from the ice water, he told me he had a way to get me warm. That way was to put me back in clothes and have me sit in one of the Therapeutic rooms with him. This particular therapeutic room was probably about 70 degrees maximum, making me not exactly warm, but not exactly cold either. The room had a therapy cot, a desk, a stereo, which was behind the desk on a shelf next to a sound system, wooden walls, and a carpeted floor. Dr. Benzedrine sat behind the desk and operated the sound system while I sat on the therapy cot and listened to the music.

"A mixtape Darling!"

"Why?" I sneezed.

Dr. Benzedrine took out his clipboard, "Because, this particular mixtape is known to jog the memories of many of our Suitehearts. Sometimes they can identify a band, a member of a band, a particular song, it just depends. It's your turn to listen Darling. So shut your mouth, close your eyes, and open your ears."

I did as I was told as I lied on the cot, listening to the music for anything memorable.

_Your mouth it moves but fails to speak, and when you use your lips they better be on me, GET FAMILIAR!_

Countless lyrics and lines flew by as pieces of songs played in the mixtape. I may have nodded off a few times, I probably daydreamed, I'm not sure. Either way, when the music stopped, Dr. Benzedrine's voice snapped me out of it.

"Any songs stick out at you?"

"The one that said something about falling from the heavens and chopping off the branches," I looked at the ceiling. "Then another was the one about kissing a boy to start shit."

"Any others?" Dr. Benzedrine grinned.

"Well, the one about automatic eyes and hands in the cookie jar."

"Yes, Automatic Eyes by The Academy Is… and Cookie Jar by Gym Class Heroes."

I blinked, "Say that first one again."

"The Academy Is…. What's wrong Darling? Do you recognize that band?"

"I don't know from where, but yes. That jogs a memory."

Dr. Benzedrine scribbled something on his clipboard, "Alright, any other songs that you would like to talk about?"

I shook my head.

"What about this one?"

_You can bow and pretend that you don't, don't know you're a legend-_

Dr. Benzedrine stopped the song and looked at me expectantly.

"I heard that on the tape," I yawned. "It sounded like a pretty odd song. It was talking about Suitehearts, like what you said the patients here are."

"Alright," he placed a new CD in. "What about this song?"

_Why, oh, why, you wear sunglasses in the home when the sun went down about an hour ago? Life should not be that way-_

I sat up immediately. I had heard that song before and I was pretty sure I knew who sung that song.

"Recognize it?" Benzedrine's eyes gleamed.

"Yes," I nodded. "Keep playing it."

[i] Always up or down, never down and out. Dream of demons while you sleep, that make you stutter when you speak-[/i]

"It's me," I whispered.

"What's you, Darling?"

"The song," I stood up. "He said, when he wrote it, it was me…about me. He said it wasn't-"

"Wasn't what?" Dr. Benzedrine looked intrigued.

I wrapped my arms around my stomach and looked away from him, "Fair."

"What wasn't fair Darling? This?"

_Speak now or forever hold your piece in pieces…_

"Stop it!" I said a bit too loudly.

Dr. Benzedrine quickly turned it off and looked at me, "Are you alright?"

I shook my head. The mixtape and the song made me remember. It made me remember everything I was trying to forget. I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"You can tell me."

"No, I can't," I headed for the door. "It's not important!"

"Darling! Get back here!"

I ran out of the room and down the hall. I had to get back to my room, to the cafeteria, anywhere where Dr. Benzedrine wasn't. He couldn't know about me. I heard the lyrics in my head and everything was beginning to flood back to me.

* * *

It had been about two hours since Dr. Benzedrine let 'Darling' run away from him. For one, he didn't feel like chasing her and then, if he did, she probably wouldn't let him in. Either way, it wouldn't be worth it. He knew that she had run off to her room and now, since he'd given her time to compose herself, he decided to check on her. Maybe, if he were lucky, he would get a few answers.

"Darling?"

Her door was shut. None of the Suiteheart's doors at Cork Tree Infirmary were supposed to be shut at any time, for any reason. It was one of the main rules that they had put in place to prevent accidents or anything that was deemed undesirable while the Suitehearts were trying to get better.

"Darling, open this door immediately!"

Dr. Benzedrine waited for a response before grabbing a ring of keys out of his pocket and unlocking the door.

"Darling, what do you think you are-"

He stopped. She was lying in her bed, tossing and turning in a not so peaceful sleep. Benzedrine sighed and walked to the medicine counter in her room, pulling a peripheral IV line out of the drawer.

"Darling, Darling, Darling, what am I going to do with you?" He inserted the IV into the back of her left hand. "You run out on me during your therapy session, you don't want to talk to me. How am I supposed to prevent you from becoming a lost cause?"

He watched as 'Darling' shifted her position once again, facing him as she lay on her side, her legs bent slightly. 'Darling' looked up at him with wide, glossy, eyes and for the first time, Benzedrine saw the look in her eyes. The look that some Suitehearts had in their eyes when they were desperate, the look that said 'Help me'.

"Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Benzedrine?"

The medication was already taking effect.

"Shh," Dr. Benzedrine looked down at her. "Go to sleep."

He watched her close her soft amber eyes as she fell asleep and smiled. Her hair fell around her face and shoulders in curls. Benzedrine pushed her auburn hair away, examining her freckled face and chewed lips. He scanned her body, noticing her slight stomach, her thin calves, her medium thighs, her average breasts, before touching her arm. She felt warm.

He removed his hand quickly and shook his head. He wasn't going to get involved with a Suiteheart, he couldn't. They were considered forbidden to the staff of Cork Tree. Besides, he was only there to help her and then after that, he was done with her. Right?

Right.

'Darling' was tempting. He could never fall for forbidden fruit.

Well, maybe not never…


	6. Joey

My head was spinning with lyrics. Dr. Benzedrine had made me remember something I had been trying to forget. I was beginning to hate this place more and more each day. Sighing, I rolled over and stared at the clock realizing I had been awake for about 20 minutes.

_Why, oh, why, you wear sunglasses in the home when the sun went down about an hour ago? Life should not be that way._

I knew his voice, I kissed his lips, but I couldn't remember his name or what he looked like. I couldn't even remember how he felt when he touched my cheek or hands. I just remember his singing and spiral-bound notebooks of lyrics.

"Reminiscing Darling?"

I sat up quickly and faced the doctor.

"I didn't mean to startle you, Darling."

I kept quiet and slouched in my bed, a curl tickled my cheek as I brushed it away hastily. I felt a weight on the side of my bed and looked up.

"What's the wrong Darling?"

"What's it to you?"

"I'm supposed to look out for you. I'm your doctor."

"Yeah, some doctor you are. You put me in ice water, make me puke, make me remember."

"I'm supposed to. At Cork Tree Infirmary-"

"Just shut up with the cork tree crap," I looked down at the IV in my hand, "and leave me alone."

I took a deep breath, removed the IV, and gasped. It was stuck.

"Here."

Dr. Benzedrine took a small gauze pad and placed it on my skin where the tip of the needle was, "This will hurt a bit." He gently pulled and the needle slid out. Throwing it away, he placed a butterfly bandage on my hand and kissed it, "There you are Darling."

I stared into his eyes, trying to figure him out. I didn't see him move and I didn't feel myself move. When I snapped out of whatever I was in, I pushed him away. My heart thrummed.

"Darling, I'm sorry. Please-"

"No!" I shouted, shaking my head. "Don't touch me."

"I confess, I messed up."

I stood up on shaky legs and stumbled towards the door. I headed down the hallway, hearing my bare feet patter on the tile. My heart was beating so loud I thought my ears were going to bleed from the noise of it. I thought of nothing more than to get away from him as fast as I could. I couldn't look at Benzedrine. Groaning, I opened a door and threw myself into the room behind it.

"You're not Mr. Sandman."

I shut the door hesitantly and turned to face the voice. The strong steady voice came from a short girl with dark hair and a fragile build. She wore the same attire as me, only her pants had a maroon number 20 on them. I began to wonder where I had seen her before when I realized that it was the girl from the cafeteria, the one who stared at me.

"I-I-I'm sorry," I bit my lip.

"Whatever," She blinked.

Her room was carpeted, but it was bright as mine. There was a window with a window seat, a hospital bed with a purple and red bedding, and balloons that said 'Get Well Soon Joey'. The first thing that entered my head was 'how in the world did she get suck and awesome room?'

"Who's Sandman?" I questioned.

The petite girl rolled her eyes, "He wear's all black leather and has painted on mouth over his mouth. He's my doctor."

"So his name _is_ Mr. Sandman."

"Yeah, he's-" She stopped and stared up at the TV. "That's the fifth time they've shown that commercial in the past thirty minutes," She flicked her eyes towards me, "What's your name? Who exactly are you, number 94?"

"Umm, Darling...I mean...that's not my name."

"Then what is your name?" Her eyes moved towards the window. "There's a branch from that tree that's beating against that window and its really starting to piss me off. What's your name then Darling?"

I stopped, "I-I can't remember."

"Then Darling you shall be. You're a fellow Suiteheart, yes?"

"No…I mean yes!"

"You're confused."

"I know," I sat on her bed and moved her comforter slightly before she slapped my hand away and moved it back. "What?"

She sighed, "It bothers me when the comforter isn't lined up with the sheet."

"Is your name Joey?"

"Yeah. Hey, you're going to have to leave."

"Why?"

"Because, in the course our time together, you've asked four questions."

"You've asked more," I retorted.

Her eyes narrowed for a second before a creepy smile broke on her face, "Touché. You and I will be friends."

"I have to go," I headed for the door.

"Why so soon?"

I said nothing. I exited her room, rushing down the hallway as I swore I could hear her yell something after me. I'm not entirely sure, but I'm certain it was along the lines of:

"Run Darling, but you and I will be friends. You can be sure of that."


	7. Misplaced

"Darling?"

Dr. Benzedrine wandered through the halls of Cork Tree Infirmary searching for his Suiteheart. After he kissed her, she ran off and he couldn't understand why.

"Darling?"

He searched the cafeteria, the gym, every lab room, even the yard of crashed cars, but 'Darling was nowhere to be found. Taking a short break from his search for 'Darling', he looked around the mailroom for 'Darling's mailbox. Every Suiteheart was allowed mail from friends, family, and boyfriends, anyone who was or is significant to her. That is…if they chose to write. Unfortunately, 'Darling's mailbox was completely empty. He walked out of the mailroom and continued down the hallway.

"Oh, Darling, please come back-"

"Bez, what are you doing?"

He whirled around and was met face to face with a confused H. Shoe Crab. His normally frizzy hair was pulled back in a bushy ponytail. He was wheeling one of his Suitehearts from her lab test.

"Can you help me? I'm looking for Darling," Benzedrine frowned. "She ran away from me."

"I wish I could, but I have to take Tasha back to her room and check her stats," Crab gestured to a girl with dark hair, light skin, and a neutral expression. "Try asking Sandy."

Benzedrine answered bitterly, "Mr. Sandman isn't going to want to help me."

"I'm sorry Bez."

H. Shoe Crab turned Tasha's wheelchair around and wheeled her down the hall towards her room, leaving him alone to find 'Darling'.

"Darling?"

Dr. Benzedrine walked down the hall and to the door of Donnie the Catcher's office. Knocking twice, he rocked on his toes, waiting for an answer.

"I'm busy."

He knocked again, causing Donnie to open the door angrily.

"What part of 'I'm busy' don't you understand? I have a Suiteheart."

"Have you seen Darling?" Benzedrine asked.

Donnie leaned against the doorway and sighed, "Bez-"

"She ran from me. Have you seen her?"

"I've been with Macy for the past 20 minutes. I'm sorry, I wish I could help. Go ask Sandman."

"Yeah, I guess I will."

Donnie shut the door and Benzedrine, stuffing his hands in his pockets, headed towards Mr. Sandman's office. Knocking three times, he waited for a response. He figured he'd butter him up with small talk before going into the fact that 'Darling' was…misplaced.

"Come in!" Mr. Sandman called.

Dr. Benzedrine entered timidly, shutting the door behind him. "Hey, Sandy."

"Hi Bez, how are you?" Mr. Sandman smiled.

"Just Dandy, you?"

"Nothing, just working on Suiteheart's file."

"Oh okay. What's that?"

Dr. Benzedrine pointed at a small, heart-shaped locket which Mr. Sandman held in his dingy, gloved hand, its golden exterior smooth left unengraved. Without a second thought, he chucked it in his desk drawer.

"Nothing!" Sandman smiled. "Look, Benzedrine, what did you come in here for?"

The doctor shifted his weight from foot to foot before muttering, "I misplaced Darling."

"What?"

"I sort of kind of," he coughed, "misplaced Darling."

"You what?!" Mr. Sandman exclaimed. "How did you misplace a patient? A Suiteheart?"

Benzedrine grew quiet for a moment, formulating a lie before stating plainly, "She wanted to explore, you know, get to know her home for the next months or however long she'll be in Cork Tree."

"Uh huh."

"Can you just check the cameras?"

Mr. Sandman was about to say 'no', when he remembered that Benzedrine saw the locket. Sniffing, he looked rolled his chair over to his computer.

"Fine."

"Thank you," Benzedrine grinned.

Sandman clicked a few keys on the keyboard, "She met Honey-I mean Joey. Left her room…now it looks like she's in the Yard of Crashed Cars."

Without thanking him, Benzedrine rushed out the door. Finding 'Darling' and making amends was his top priority. He turned right at the end of the hallway, went out of a door on his left, and entered the Yard of Crashed Cars. Surprisingly, the Yard of Crashed Cars wasn't full of cars. In fact, it only had four crashed cars. One for Dr. Benzedrine, one for Donnie the Catcher, one for Mr. Sandman, and one for H. Shoe Crab. These cars were only slightly crashed and were still useful on the interior. Therefore, they were used for multiple reasons including a place where some Suitehearts made love to their boyfriends if they visited, a place to remember, and even, in 'Darling's case, a place to get away from everything for a moment.

"Darling!"

Dr. Benzedrine ran over to the bright yellow crashed car with 'Benzedrine' painted on the side in large dark letters, where he found 'Darling' sitting in the driver's seat. Opening the door, he sat on the passenger side and smiled at his Suiteheart.

"Thank heavens Darling! Are you alright?"

"Fine," 'Darling' looked at the cracked window.

"If you're fine, then why did you run?"

"You kissed me, Dr. Benzedrine. I highly doubt that was professional or part of my routine check up."

"I'm so sorry…but not really. Though that was an amazing kiss, I understand why you're not happy about it."

"I'm sorry. I just…nevermind."

"Just what Darling?"

"I just don’t want to start something with you because a, I don’t like you, and b, I'm pretty sure that I'm with someone."

"Pretty sure?" Dr. Benzedrine raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Darling nodded. "I remembered him when you played the mixtape. He sings-"

"I sing too."

"Not the point. I was with him. He wrote songs about me, he loved me. I don’t want to throw that away, especially if he remembers me."

"Did you love him?"

"Yes!" Darling stared at him.

Benzedrine held up his hands, "I was only asking because you said 'he loved me', it made me think that…well-"

"What?"

"That you didn't love him back."

'Darling' raised her hand to hit him but Benzedrine grabbed her wrist. He wanted to make out with her, but he didn't, he couldn't. Not now, not in a crashed car.

"Now, now Darling," He breathed. "We wouldn't want you to hurt someone."

She struggled against him for a moment before snatching her arm back, her face pulled into a pout as she folded her arms.

Benzedrine leaned in towards her, "Well Darling, if your boy comes back to visit you and shows interest in you, I'll stop."

"And if he doesn't?"

He got out of the car and walked back to the building with 'Darling' following behind him, eagerly waiting for the answer.

"If he doesn't?"

Benzedrine wandered through the building without saying a word and 'Darling' in tow.

"If he doesn't?"

He stopped at her door and pushed her inside.

"I'll let you decide."


	8. Letter

I sat at my table in the dining hall alone. Dr. Benzedrine said he was going to check my mailbox once again to see if any mail had come for me. It had been two weeks since Benzedrine and I talked about our kiss in the crashed car, and I was still trying to decide what would happen if I didn't receive a visit from him, the boyfriend who I could barely remember.

I stared down at my dinner which consisted of a ham sandwich on wheat bread and pretzels, which I already ate, and applesauce with a Diet Dr. Pepper. Dr. Benzedrine said that he was going to start me out with smaller more simple meals and then work my way up. He said he didn't want me to get sick again. I supposed that means he cares.

I sighed.

"What's got you down Darling?"

I looked up and saw Joey standing across from me, her soft eyes flicking from me to my plate. When we met two weeks ago, she told me that we would become friends. She was right and, since that day, I learned that she had a tendency of being right.

"Nothing," I frowned.

Joey arranged my plate, my applesauce cup, and my Diet Dr. Pepper. She smiled, "That's better. Now, this 'nothing' sounds like something."

"I'm okay," I sighed. "I just wish Benzedrine would hurry with the mail."

Joey opened her mouth to retort when Mr. Sandman came up behind her, wrapped one arm around her waist, and pressed himself against her.

"Honey," He cleared his throat, "Joey, we have a private session in a few minutes, remember?"

"Uh huh."

"Let's go."

Mr. Sandman smiled and Joey seemed to blush. I watched her lead the way to the door and swore I saw Sandman touch her on the butt. Before they left the room, Joey turned around and called my name.

"Yes?" I smiled.

"He'll write you, I know it."

I watched her walk away, feeling the smallest bit of doubt in my mind. I stared at my applesauce which had my medication crushed on top. I picked up my spoon and began to eat, taking my daily dose within the first few spoonfuls.

"Darling, Darling, Darling!"

Dr. Benzedrine rushed to my table with a smile, sat down, and pushed my food aside.

"What are you doing?" I furrowed my brow.

He handed me an envelope, "You've got mail."

Snatching it from his fingers, I quickly opened it, my fingers fumbling to unfold the letter inside. Benzedrine walked to my side of the table as I unfolded it and gasped. My boyfriend had written me. I smiled and, which Benzedrine reading over my shoulder, I read the letter silently.

_Hey,_

_It's been a while since we've talked. I'm sorry you were sent to Cork Tree Infirmary, I guess it's sort of my fault. If I hadn't have called you out about your father, you wouldn't have wanted to leave me, and you wouldn't have wanted to_ run away _. It's not your fault that your father abandoned you and your mother, I shouldn't have said that it was. I missed you...and I love you. I love you very much,_ Carly _. I hope you're holding up okay. Did you make friends? If you did, I hope they're as nice as you are. I've been good. The boys have asked about you. Mike whines about how he misses you, Sisky, Chislett, and The Butcher keep begging me to visit you. So, I hope to visit you soon, maybe we can catch up? You know, pick up where we left off._

_Love always,_   
_William Beckett_

"So your name is Carly Michel?" Dr. Benzedrine smirked.

"Actually, it's Carleen," I corrected.

"Whatever. I think Darling is more fitting, don't you?"

I nodded but continued to smile. I now knew that his name was William and I was beginning to remember what had happened before him and with him, though the fight was a little fuzzy.

"According to the visitation calendar, it looks like he's coming for dessert," Benzedrine winked.

"Tonight?" I looked up.

"Yep. Once he comes, I'll leave you alone for the night. I'll leave a sign for others to leave you alone tonight, alright?"

"Alright."

* * *

I laid in my hospital bed, waiting for William to arrive while Dr. Benzedrine took some of my stats.

"You had your dose of medication at dinner," He noted. "So tonight, while William is visiting, I'm not going to hook you to IV's. I imagine that they'll just get in the way of your activities."

I looked up at him, "Dr. Benzedrine?"

"Carly?"

"When you say activities-"

Benzedrine smiled, "I mean making out, making love, catching up, having fun, whatever you want to call it."

"Is that allowed?"

"If it wasn't, do you think I'd mention it to you?"

I opened my mouth to retort when there was a knock at my door.

"Come in," Benzedrine called.

There was a pause and then a tall man with shoulder-length, dark, wavy hair and dark eyes. He wore skinny jeans on his long, thin legs and a The Academy Is…T-shirt. He was lanky but in a completely cute way. He smiled widely, his eyes lighting up at the sight of me.

"Carleen!"

William rushed over to me, his arms wrapping me in a hug. Memories came flooding back to me when he kissed my cheek, and everything about him that was lost or broken was found and slowly pieced back together.

"Look at you," He held my face in his hands, rubbing his thumbs against my cheeks. "You're just as beautiful as when you left."

"Bilvy," I remembered. "I missed you."

Dr. Benzedrine took his cue, winking at me before exiting the room, shutting the door behind him. William and I hugged tightly once more.

"I missed you, William. I missed you so much."

"I missed you too."

I looked into his eyes before slamming my lips against his. He pressed himself against me and I laid back on my hospital bed. William got on his knees, kissing me back and straddling me. He reached into his pocket.

"What are you doing?" I breathed.

I watched him pull out two small, square wrappers that were connected to each other with tear-apart perforations. Both wrappers had a circle-shape on the inside of the square and the word _Trojan_ written on it. He held them up and I smiled. William smirked and began to kiss my neck, his hands running up my sides.

"What do you say we catch up?"


	9. Gin and Kerosene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're reaching the end of chapters written while I was in HS.

While Darling, or rather Carly, was getting reacquainted with William Beckett, Joey was having a private session. Mr. Sandman sat on his desk in his office, his eyes scanning Joey who sat expectantly on the therapy cot. Joey faked a yawn as Mr. Sandman looked down at his clipboard before adjusting his glasses.

"So Joey…"

"Oh, no, no, no, no."

Sandman looked up to see Joey stand, sauntering over to him, her head shaking slowly from side to side. Even though she wore sweatpants, her thin legs still allured him with every step she took. She pouted her lips once she reached him and placed her lips next to his ear.

"Mr. Sandman, how many times do I have to tell you?" Joey walked her fingers up his shoulder. "Call me Honey."

"Alright," Sandman set his clipboard down before tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, "Honey."

Joey smiled, feeling his hands slide around her waist. Sandman stood up and pulled her hips against his. Being only two inches taller than five feet, she looked up at him, stood on her toes and kissed him. Sandman kissed her back and led her to the therapy cot.

"Do you want to have our session here?"

Joey shook her head, "Your room as always."

"Your wish is my command."

Sandman smirked, his hands snaking down her thighs, pulling them around his waist. Their lips touched again and their tongues met for a moment. Her arms wrapped around his neck, causing him to cup his hands around her bottom. Giggling, Joey held on, allowing herself to be carried out of his office and down the hall to his bedroom. She didn't care if anyone in the hallway saw, neither did he. All that mattered was that they were together.

"Sandy," Joey began to kiss his neck. "I love you very…very…very… much."

Sandman moaned and set her carefully on her feet when they got inside. He shut the door behind him, taking good care to lock it. The lock automatically changed a sign outside of his door to 'Do Not Disturb' as Sandman turned his focus back on Joey.

"Baby," Joey pulled at his beltline. "I'm anxious."

Taking that as his cue, Sandman's lips glided down to the nape of her neck, where he began to suck gently. Joey gasped, pulled off his belt, and walked back towards the bed. Sandman followed, his lips glued to her neck, his teeth nipping at her skin occasionally, his hands swiftly removing her shirt and tossing it to the side. Joey felt Sandman lay her back on the bed and unbuttoned his pants, pushing them down his hips to the floor.

"Honey," he breathed. "Honey, Honey, Honey…."

"Sandy, Sandy, Sandy," Joey copied, taking his shirt off.

"Think you're funny?" Sandman raised an eyebrow.

His hands traveled down her sides, gently caressing them before moving to the crotch of her sweatpants.

Joey gasped, "Yes."

"Oh really?"

"Uh huh."

Sandman pulled her sweatpants off, tossing them on the floor before moving between her legs. Joey whimpered as he kissed her spot while his hands massaged her thighs.

"I'll keep my jealousy close," Sandman sang. "'Cause it's all mine. And if you say this makes you happy then I'm not the only one."

He moved up her body and kissed her lips, pulling her panties off. Joey, dying to get started, reached her hand into his underwear, her eyes widening happily at what she felt.

"Oh, Sandman!" Joey grinned.

"I'm ready, Honey," said Sandman. "I want you again."

Joey pulled his underwear off and looked up at him happily. They kissed again when he began, slowly and carefully, taking his time to enter her. Joey gasped, her body pressing against Mr. Sandman's.

"Sandman."

Sandman groaned, pushing himself in and out, "Fuck, Honey."

Back and forth, their bodies melded and became as one. Joey placed her hands on his shoulders, while Sandman pulled her hips up to meet his, his hands gently resting on her bottom.

"Keep quiet, nothing comes as easy as you."

Joey kissed his chest. It was a cheesy tradition between the two of them to recite his lyrics. She happily continued, "Can I lay…in your bed…all day Sandman?"

"I'll be your best-kept secret…Honey….ohh…and your biggest mistake," Sandman grunted. "The hand behind this pen relives a failure every day."

He couldn't tell where he ended and she began. They lost themselves in one another. As Sandman grew faster, Joey's hips began to buck against his.

"God Sandman!" She whimpered.

"Honey, Joey, baby!" Sandman gasped. "I'm so close…I'm close..."

"Me too…Sandman…"

Sandman pushed forward and Joey arched back, both of them crying out in ecstasy. Their hips met rapidly, their hearts pounded as their lips met and they slowed down.

He looked into her eyes, "I love you Honey."

"I love you too, Sandman."


	10. Last Night

"So how was your night?"

I picked at my breakfast of turkey bacon, toast, orange juice, and oatmeal with my medication crushed on top. Yawing, I swung my legs back and forth under the table. I had a long night last night and I wasn't really up for interrogation. It was for that reason that I hoped that Benzedrine would be okay with me leaving the question unanswered.

"Carly?" Dr. Benzedrine asked again. "How was your night?"

Obviously not. I sighed and looked up from my food, "It was fine."

"Fine? Just fine?" Benzedrine looked taken aback. "Why just fine?"

"Because," I stirred my oatmeal.

"Because why?"

I shrugged, stuffing medicine spiked oatmeal into my mouth. I didn't really want to talk about what happened with William last night.

"Did you guys talk?"

I shook my head and continued to eat. What happened with William Beckett and I is between the two of us. I wished very much that he would let it go.

He gave me a quizzical look, "Why not?"

"Let's just say, there wasn't much talking," I stared at my orange juice.

Dr. Benzedrine nodded all knowingly, a smile on his lips.

"What?"

"You guys had sex."

"So?" I snapped.

"So, it didn't go as well as it should. Did it?"

I remained silent. Benzedrine was really starting to get on my nerves. I told him that I didn't want to talk about my night with William, but he was still pressing the matter. In my head, I replayed the words he said to me last night when we finished. I wanted to cry.

Benzedrine's tone shifted, his face showing signs of worry, "It didn't go well at all, did it?"

"No," I pushed my oatmeal at him. "Okay? Now, will you leave me alone?"

He caught it before it spilled on him and stared at me, half angry, half worried. I could tell he was going to say something. Benzedrine opened his mouth when Joey sat at the table.

"Hey, Darling."

I put on a smile, "Hey Joey."

Her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail revealing a purple-bruise like mark on the base of her neck. Joey's uniform was the same from the one she wore the night before, there was a stain from the grape juice she had yesterday morning. At Cork Tree we had uniforms but we had more than three different sets, so it wasn't like she couldn't change into another set.

Mr. Sandman stood behind her in his usual outfit, his hair more disheveled than usual. A soft smile that lied on his lips reflected onto his smudged painted-on mouth. Like Sandman, Joey seemed extremely happy, satisfied even. Before I could question it, shook my head. They couldn't have had sex with each other.

_Could they?_

"Earth to Darling!"

I jumped as Joey's hand waved side to side in front of my face, "Yeah, uh, sorry."

"Did you get a letter last night?" Joey asked.

"Yeah," I rubbed my neck. "I also got a visit."

"Ooh! What's his name? Did you remember?"

"William. I do remember and after last night I remember."

 _A lot more than I wanted to_ , I thought.

"That's good!" Joey grinned. "I'm happy for you. I'd love to stay and talk some more but I really need to eat. Sandy- I mean Mr. Sandman and I are a bit late."

I agreed, "Yeah. I'll talk to you later."

"When you do, I have to hear about last night. Promise?"

"Promise."

She smiled and walked away, giggling as Sandman followed behind her closely, his hand touching her bottom briefly. I shrugged and turned my attention back to Dr. Benzedrine.

"Carly," he touched my hand. "What happened last night?"

"We started kissing, and then he reached into his pocket for a condom and asked if I wanted to 'catch up'. I agreed and we started kissing again, our clothes came off and he put the condom on. Then, we…fucked."

The word tasted bitter on my tongue. I pushed my food away and put my head down. Benzedrine placed his hand on my arm, rubbing it gently.

"What?"

"We fucked," I breathed. "Simple as that. Nothing more. We didn't make love, we didn't have sex. We 'fucked'."

"Is that what William told you?" Benzedrine frowned.

I nodded.

"Oh, Darling."

"It's fine," I sighed bitterly.

"No, it's not. You haven't seen him and he hasn't seen you, you're boyfriend and girlfriend and you give yourself to him and all he can say is that you two 'fucked'? That's not alright. If he loved you, it would mean more to him than just another fuck."

"It's fine Dr. Benzedrine. William Beckett does love me, he said so multiple times last night. "

"While he was fucking you?" He asked. "While he was in you?"

I sat upright, "Yes."

"What about when you were done?" Dr. Benzedrine questioned.

"He didn't say he did."

"God, don’t you see? He doesn't love you. If he loved you, he would tell you he loved you more than just in bed. Carly, if you were mine-"

I looked up at him and saw a blush creep across his cheeks. He took his hand off my arm, placing it in his lap. Did Dr. Benzedrine love me? I felt my heart pound so hard in my chest that I began to hear it in my ears. Opening my mouth I wanted to ask him, but my voice cracked in shock, "W-W-What?"

"Nevermind," Benzedrine shook his head. "In any sense, William shouldn't treat you that way. It's not fair to you."

"Look," I snapped. "I said, it's fine. Just forget it. I shouldn't have told you. Don't worry about it."

"If you s, y so Darling."

"I do say so."


	11. Graduation

"Attention! All Suitehearts are to meet in the auditorium immediately for graduation! Repeat all Suitehearts to the auditorium for graduation! Thank you."

Joey and I looked from the intercom speaker to each other. This was how we normally spent Turtle Time, in each other's rooms talking about our stay or our latest tests, but I guess it was being cut short today. Joey got up and put on her grey, Cork Tree Infirmary, ballet slippers.

"Graduation?" I stood up.

"Yes, graduation."

"What's graduation?"

Joey shot me a look, "You're nineteen, Darling. I know you're not that stupid."

"I know what graduation is," I slipped on my own pair of CTI slippers. "I just don’t know what it's like here or what it consists of."

She mouthed 'oh' and nodded as we walked into the hallway, following a number of other girls to the auditorium, "Graduation here is basically like graduation anywhere else, although most places are schools. In any case, when you graduate Cork Tree, you get to leave and see your family again. When you leave here, you're considered better. You become an Honorable Mention."

I remembered the term 'Honorable Mention' from the first time I met Dr. Benzedrine. He said I'd never be an Honorable Mention. I looked at Joey who was waving back at a girl with hair that was bleached so blond that it looked almost silver.

"Hey, Joey?" I asked. "How do you know if you're graduating?"

Joey snapped her head back to me, "There are two graduations one in the winter around December before Christmas and one now, in the summer. Either way, they normally tell you if you're graduating. Whoever your guy is, he'll tell you and prepare you for this day. They'll pack your stuff, send it back to your home, and wean you off of the drugs. Sometimes you graduate, sometimes you don't. I've been here for three years."

My eyes grew wide. If I were eating, I probably would have choked. I couldn't believe she'd been here for three years. No wonder she had such an awesome room. I felt really bad for her.

"What?"

"You've been here since you were sixteen?"

"Yeah," Joey shrugged. "So?"

We entered the auditorium and took our seats right next to a platform that held drums, three guitars, and three amps.

"Aren't you upset?" I pressed. "I mean, doesn't that bother you?"

"Not really," Joey smiled half-heartedly. "Besides, I don’t think I could live without the meds."

I knit my eyebrows, "Why is that?"

Joey rolled her eyes to the ceiling, staring up almost as if she were thinking of what to say. Sighing, she returned her eyes to me. Something told me that what she was about to say was going to bother me.

"Darling, there's something you have to understand about me. I'm ADD and OCD, and when I'm not concerned about the number of times I hear footsteps or how straight my curtains are, I'm jittering around because I can't keep myself calm. I'm a nervous wreck. That's why Mr. Sandman is my doctor; he gives me the drugs I need so that I don't have to suffer. So I can have a shot at being slightly normal."

"You don't need drugs," I began. "You can-"

"Yes, I do!" Joey snapped.

I stared at her.

She took a breath, "I'm sorry. It's just… when I was admitted here, I could barely function. I mean, if it wasn't for Sandman, you and I wouldn't be talking right now, because you wouldn't be able to hold my attention and I would lose my train of thought. Being here fixed me, Darling. Thanks to Sandman, I'm not like that anymore. He gave me drugs to help with my ADD. He helped me with my OCD by giving me maximum strength doses to help with it and get it under control, before working his way down to low doses that just-"

"Make you better?" I asked.

"Make me reset. I'm a lot better than I was when I was sixteen, Darling. It's thanks to Sandman. Many other girls here can attest to that fact." She smiled. "He really has helped me, and not just with my behavioral issues and anxiety disorders. He's helped me out with other things as well," Her face reddened. "I can't live without him."

"Well," I sat back in my seat. "I'll never get hooked like that. Dr. Benzedrine can't do that to me."

Joey grew quiet for a moment before she responded, "You're wrong Darling. Dr. Benzedrine is known for getting girls addicted. Why do you think that there are only seven girls in this entire building who belong to him as opposed to fourteen for Donnie, seventeen for Crab, and twenty for Sandman? And that's subtracting all the girls who are graduating tonight. Darling, I hate to say this, but someday, you'll be in the same boat. Someday, you're not going to be able to live without Benzedrine. I'll definitely mark your words though."

I opened my mouth to retort when music began to play from beside me. Everyone, including myself, turned their attention to the platform where our doctors stood. Mr. Sandman, in all his glory, stood on the right playing a bass and H. Shoe Crab stood on the left playing the lead guitar. Donnie the Catcher sat behind the drums which were centered behind them and pounded them with his stick. And there, in the very center, stood Dr. Benzedrine. A microphone stand stood in front of his lips, his fingers moving up and down the neck of the rhythm guitar he played.

"There's my Sandman," I heard Joey whisper, a wide grin on her face.

I ignored the comment and asked, "What song are they playing?"

"America's Suitehearts. Dr. Benzedrine will sing when the Suitehearts exit."

I nodded and looked back at the platform where the doctors were playing. Dr. Benzedrine caught my eye, smiling slightly before.

"Let's hear it for our graduating Suitehearts," He said into the mic.

As they continued to play their song without words, everyone turned their glances to the stage at the front of the auditorium in time to see the graduating Suitehearts walk on the stage. Each girl wore a gown and each gown was one of four colors which represented their doctor, yellow for Dr. Benzedrine, red H. Shoe Crab, green for Donnie the Catcher, and black for Mr. Sandman. The music stopped playing and Mr. Sandman took the mic.

"I'm losing five of my girls," he sighed. "After last winter graduation, I began with twenty-one girls. After acquiring four between winter and summer, I've since ended up with twenty-five wonderful Suitehearts. Now, after this ceremony, I will have twenty. To my graduating five, I say good luck and I will miss you. To my remaining twenty, I say I hope to have some of you graduating in the winter or if not next summer. I care about all of you."

His eyes landed on Joey for a moment as he winked. While everyone clapped for Sandman's now ex-Suitehearts, Donnie the Catcher got behind the mic.

"Do they all make this speech?" I whispered to Joey.

She nodded, "It's part of the ceremony."

"Wow," Donnie began. "I can't believe I'm losing seven of my girls, seven wonderful, precious Suitehearts. Ah, who am I kidding? You seven drove me bonkers! All the random knocks on my door for therapy, or those midnight movie marathon Oreo binges, not to mention the lengths I went through to help you TP Sandman's room."

Sandman scowled and the seven girls laughed at his jokes, at least three of them had bittersweet tears in their eyes.

"After last winter graduation, I began with twenty-one girls. While I didn't acquire anyone new, it allowed me time to get to know my twenty one better. Now, once this ceremony is said and done, I will have to deal with fourteen of you crazy chicas."

There was scattered laugher from the audience, no doubt the fourteen girls he had left.

"To all my girls, I thank you for putting up with my droll humor and my craziness. To my graduating seven, I say have fun. To my remaining fourteen, I say I'll meet you back in my office whenever you feel the need to barge in. I love you guys."

Everyone clapped, the girls left, and it was H. Shoe Crab's turn.

"My, my," He stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I'm losing, how many of you are up there? One…two…three…seven, carry the five, subtract two. Just kidding. I know I'm losing freaking four of you. Like Donnie, after the winter grads left, I began with twenty one. I've got no one who's a newbie, so yeah. When this ceremony is finito, I'll only have seventeen of you. To my graduating four, I'm definitely going to miss eating Doritos with you during your therapy sessions, especially you Jenny."

A petite girl with chocolate brown hair and dark eyes smiled.

"That girl can eat a whole bag, I don’t get it! To my remaining seventeen, this should be fun and look forward to more attention. To all my Suitehearts, don't fucking swear. It's not fucking cool, kids! Thank you."

Everyone clapped, his ex-Suitehearts left, and Dr. Benzedrine approached the mic again.

"Hello girls," he smiled.

"Hello Dr. Benzedrine," ten girls smiled back.

"Thanks to you ten, I only have seven girls left," Benzedrine tsked. "What am I to do without you? I started out after winter's ceremonies with sixteen and I even picked up one little girl who was left alone on my doorstep between then and now. Oh, how sad, that after tonight, I'll be left alone with so few."

Every single one of his Suitehearts, including myself 'aww'ed at his speech so far. He did have a thing for the theatrics.

"There, there my Suitehearts don't fret. This will be good for us, it always is. To my ten grads: Sweetie, Cookie, Pet, Angel, Precious…."

"It sounds like he's naming off cats," Joey giggled.

I nudged her and smiled.

"Pooh bear, Ace, Pudding, Bunny, and Tink, I'll miss you and you'll always hold a place in my portfolio if you ever happen to come back. Oh, it seems like just yesterday you were babies left in basinets on my doorstep, fragile, sick, and crying for someone to help her. Now look at you, all better. I will miss you my graduates, I'll miss my nicknames for you."

Another round of 'aww's began.

Joey shook her head, "He's got you girls sprung more than the inside of a mattress."

"To my seven remaining Suitehearts, I'll treasure our time together because who knows how many of you will leave me in the winter. Though saying goodbye to you will be hard for you as well Pumpkin, Candy Cane, Sunshine, Snoopy, Blossom, Froggy, and of course Darling."

There were whispers and gasps at the mention of my nickname and I felt Joey touch my arm. I looked at her and her eyes glanced at me before moving to Dr. Benzedrine, who smiled and winked at me before saying 'thank you'. His graduating Suitehearts left the stage and lined up with the rest of the Suitehearts. Benzedrine and the others began to play and he started singing.

"What was with the whispering?" I asked. "Did I do something?"

Joey gave me an apologetic look, "I can't tell you. You'll have to ask Dr. Benzedrine, I'm not supposed to say."

"Why not?" I tried to talk about the music.

"Because," she bit her lip. "It's a known thing in Cork Tree that Dr. Benzedrine nicknames his Suitehearts. Every doctor can nickname their girls but most don't. He does it just because that's who he is."

"Point?"

"He's said that he has never named a girl 'Darling' and he never will. No one knows why except for him and possibly the other three doctors. They say that he says that that's a name reserved in his heart for girls that mean the world to him, just like Sandman says 'Honey' is reserved for the one who wins his heart. In any sense, the fact that your name is 'Darling' is just…I don’t know how to explain it. I guess it means you mean a lot to him."

I felt my heart begin to pound harder than a kick drum and I looked up at Benzedrine who smiled and continued to sing, all the while, looking back at me.

"You can bow and pretend that you don't, don't know you're a legend," he smirked. "Time, time, time hasn't told anyone else yet. Just let my love loose again..."

"It's just talk, right?" I turned to Joey. "It's just like a CTI urban legend?"

She shook her head, "I don't think so Darling. I think he has a thing for you."

"How could you say something like that?" I hissed. "He does not!"

"I think so; otherwise he wouldn't call you Darling."

I pushed past her and made my way to the closest exit. She followed close behind, confused and worried, but I didn't care. I wasn't necessarily mad at her; I just needed to get away. My head was spinning with graduation, legends, and the recurring fact of Benzedrine being in love with me.

"Where are you going?" Joey followed me into the hallway.

I ignored her. Taking shallow breaths, I quickened my pace. It felt like something was caught in my throat, my head was full.

"Hey," she pushed my shoulder. "I'm talking to you, what the hell is up?"

I faced her and realized I was crying, "Just leave me alone okay?"

"Talk to me."

Joey's eyes were full of worry by now, but that didn't stop me from yelling at the only friend I'd had while I was here. As soon as the words left my mouth, I wanted to reach for them but it was too late. They were already echoing through the halls.

"Leave me alone! Don't ever speak to me again!"


	12. Punishment

"Darling, that stunt you pulled at graduation did not make me happy."

I laid on my gurney, watching Dr. Benzedrine pace back and forth. It felt the first time I woke up in this place all over again, only this time I was in trouble. Every time I tried to look away from him, he would do something to make me look at him again. Whether it was yelling my real name, grabbing my toes, or even pulling my blankets off, he fought to keep my attention.

"Stunt I pulled?" I raised my eyebrows. "Let's talk about you Dr. Benzedrine, and how you basically sang to me. Let's not forget your speech in front of everyone. You picked up 'one little girl who was left alone' on your doorstep? I can't believe you honestly thought I wouldn’t notice that shit."

Benzedrine stopped pacing. I watched him move swiftly to my left side, his hands reaching for the IV's in the back of my left hand. I expected him to yank them out unapologetically but instead, his hands rested on my hand.

"When you came here Darling," reminded Benzedrine, his tone low and even, "I told you that you'll find that my temper can be short at times. You have tested me, Carleen Michel."

I rolled my eyes, hoping he wouldn't notice.

"You ran out in the middle of graduation and what's this I hear about you not talking to Joey?"

"I shouldn't talk to you, Joey, or anyone in this infirm-"

Dr. Benzedrine not-so-gently removed the IV's out from my arm, his poignant way of saying 'shut your mouth'. I didn't know which to protest about first, the pain or the possibility of one my veins being severed. He placed a cotton ball where the IV’s were and placed medical tape on top to hold it firmly in place. My mouth gaped, my eyes traveling to the smug smile tugging at his lips.

"Now," He continued. "For such things, I should punish you. However, I won't if you tell me one thing."

"What would that be?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"Why aren't you talking to Joey?"

"That's my business doctor. Besides, you seem to know a little bit of everything. Figure it out."

Dr. Benzedrine had his hand around my wrist before I could blink, "Since you won't tell me, I'm afraid you're going to be punished, Carleen. Thankfully, I'm generous so it's just going to be a test."

I scoffed, "I'm so scared."

* * *

Dr. Benzedrine!" I whined.

As my punishment, Dr. Benzedrine saw fit for me to stand outside in the courtyard. He also saw fit that I would stand out there seconds after our discussion in my room, while rain was still pouring from the sky.

He smiled, "You'll be fine, Carleen!"

Of course, he was under the awning of the building, completely dry while I stood in the middle of the grass with my clothes clinging to my body. The occasional breeze blew past and reminded me that I was soaked down to my underwear.

"Please let me in!" I cried.

"Not right now," retorted Benzedrine, his eyes fixed upon the pages of the book in his lap.

I stamped my foot, water splashing on my pants leg, "Please let me in!"

"I'm sorry Carleen, but I can't for another…" he checked his watch, "seven minutes. If I were to let you in now, what would you learn?"

He was right and I hated that. Whimpering, I crouched down and pulled my knees to my chest. I wanted to go home or at least indoors. This wasn't fair, he was breaking me and he knew it. I felt like crying.

"Please take me back."

"Alright, Darling."

I looked up, slightly startled, and my eyes focused on Dr. Benzedrine. He was knelt down in front of me, mud seeping into his bright yellow pants. Water stopped hitting me and I thought it had stopped raining. That is until I noticed the yellow umbrella over my head, courtesy of Dr. Benzedrine.

"Darling, you shouldn't cry. This test is complete," he stated.

"No, it's not," I murmured. "Unless each second counts as a minute, it hasn't been seven minutes yet."

Benzedrine sniffed, "The test is complete when I decide so. Now, do you want to tell me why aren't you talking to Joey anymore?"

I hugged myself, shivering in the simulated rain as I studied his appearance. I mean, really studied it. He wore the same yellow dress pants as always but wore a yellow button up shirt instead of his white shirt and yellow jacket. Upon his head was a yellow trucker hat which he wore every day that he wasn't wearing a yellow beanie or any other hat that wasn't his special occasion top hat. As always, his lips looked soft and his eyes were gentle, this time they were behind a pair of thick-rimmed glasses. Out of everything he was wearing, it was his glasses that threw me off. I'd never seen them before.

I guess I was too frustrated earlier to look at him, but right now, he looked different. He looked so sophisticated and clever, but not as cocky as he normally appeared.

"Are you going to tell me?"

I snapped out my thoughts, "I stopped talking to her because she told me about this CTI legend."

"What legend Darling?"

I was sure he knew full well what I was talking about, Dr. Benzedrine always knew. He was like Big Brother, if it was about Cork Tree Infirmary, nine times out of ten, he knew about it. I continued anyway.

"The legend that states you will never call any Suiteheart 'Darling' unless she's your world. At the ceremony, when you called my name," I looked down, playing with a blade of grass, "it was like everyone started talking and whispering. That's when Joey told me. She says that you like me."

He grew quiet for a moment before saying, "What if she's right?"

I looked up at Dr. Benzedrine, my eyes wide. Had he really just said what I thought he said? I shook my head, a disbelieving 'no' emitting from my trembling lips.

"Yes, the legend is true. There's only one reason why your name is 'Darling', Carly."

"How?" I asked. "You've called me 'Darling' from day one. No one falls in love that fast."

He opened this mouth to explain.

"Don't tell me that it was love at first sight, I don't believe in it," I shook my head.

"If you would let me," Dr. Benzedrine sighed, "I was about to explain. Most girls are here because they've lost themselves, or they need something, or because their fire has died out, what have you. In any sense, most girls understand that their fire is out and they need help. You, for whatever reason, insisted that nothing was wrong with you. You refused to accept that you are here and that you need to be fixed. You were so vehement about it that, for a while, I thought about naming you Blaze."

"Why didn't you?"

"I got to know you. Spending more time with you, I found that you  _are_ vulnerable. I was so happy when I discovered that all it took was an ice bath, a mixtape, and a couple of compact discs to break you. I wanted to know more about you, what makes you cry, what makes you mad, what makes you…" he shook his head, almost as if he were removing a bad thought. "You fascinate me."

"So that's why I'm 'Darling'?"

"In a sense, yes, that's why you're 'Darling'."

I grew quiet, trying to think things over in my mind. Dr. Benzedrine basically liked me or as he put it, I 'fascinate' him. I looked up at him expectantly, "What do I do now? What do we do?"

Cupping my cheeks in his hands he sighed, "Well, one option is that you don’t have to do anything, and we don't either. The other option is that you can sit there and we can do this."

Pulling me towards him, he brushed his warm lips against mine. I felt him slide one hand down the back of my neck as he leaned in, molding his lips against mine. He closed his eyes savor the taste of my lips, allowing me to feel his passion without being too aggressive. I let my eyes close, my lips pressing against his in short and passionate pecks. Dr. Benzedrine was kissing me.

I was kissing Dr. Benzedrine.

I felt my back hit the trunk of the tree and came to my senses. I pulled away from the kiss, my lips tingling, something I never recall feeling with William Beckett.

"Are we allowed to-?"

I felt him pat my cheek gently, his eyes locked with mine, "Let me worry about that."


	13. Amends and Secrets

"Joey?"

I peered into the room and found her sitting on her window seat, gazing at the rain that pelted the windows. At the sound of her name, her head snapped towards me.

Her face went from surprise to annoyance, "Oh. It's you."

I could hear the purse of her lips in her tone and felt something awful in the pit of my stomach. I shouldn't have pushed her away like that.

"Yeah," I nodded. "I deserve that. Joey, I came here to say sorry."

"For what?" She didn't look at me.

"For what happened during graduation. I shouldn't have acted that way. I was just so overwhelmed by what happened with Dr. Benzedrine and the whole Cork Tree legend. I'm sorry and I understand if you can't forgive me. I'll leave you alone."

I turned to walk away.

"Stop."

I did.

Joey sighed, "I do forgive you, Darling. But I just wish you would have talked to me instead of pushing me away. I mean, isn't that what friends do?"

Facing her, I nodded, "Yeah, it is. I'm sorry."

"It's forgotten," She sat on her bed. "Now sit down and tell me what's new. I heard that Dr. Benzedrine made you take a test."

I entered her room and sat across from her on the bed, folding my legs as I began to explain. We looked like two little girls who were 'dishing' about hot gossip.

"He made me stand in the rain because I ran out and wouldn't tell him what was going on and why I wasn't talking to you."

Her eyes grew wide, "Wow. Was it cold?"

"It wasn't when I first got out there," I reflected, "but as I stood out there and I got wetter, I got cold when the breeze would blow. Anyway, he told me I had seven minutes left and I started crying."

"Aww."

"I know. Then Dr. Benzedrine, he came out to get me, and he had this big yellow umbrella that covered us and we started talking. I told him what was going on and," I looked around and lowered my voice, "he said the legend was true."

Joey's eyes grew to the size of saucers and she smiled a smile that screamed 'I told you so'.

"Yeah. Don't even say it."

She nodded, "What did you do?"

I made my voice barely above a whisper as I spoke, "I was shocked and I asked him what we do. He looked into my eyes, said that we could do nothing or we could…"

"Could what?"

"Could kiss. Well, instead of saying 'could kiss' he kissed me."

"Oh my God."

"I know. It was wonderful."

"Well," Joey smirked, "you know what this means, right?"

I furrowed my brow, "No, what?"

"You're a part of the club now."

"What club?"

Joey pulled her sleeves over her hands, "There's not really a club but there are three of us girls and, now that you're in it, there's four of us, who are dating our doctors." I literally laughed out loud and was met by and humorless look from Joey. "This is not a laughing matter Darling."

"I'm sorry, but I can't believe that," I contained myself.

"You better start," she responded in no higher than a whisper. "Look, we're not a club per se, but each of us knows what the other is up to. We've made a pact that if we don't tell the other girls then they won't tell the other girls. We mutually agree to keep things hush-hush and low key so that way we can spend time with our doctor without having to worry about someone blowing our cover and finding out about it."

I raised my eyebrows, "Seriously?"

"I shit you not."

"So you mean to tell me that there's a secret society of girls who are dating their doctors?"

"Yes," Joey nodded. "The girl who is currently dating H. Shoe Crab has been his Suiteheart for a year and a quarter. They've done it before and I only know that because she wanted me to deliver a pack of condoms and KY to him with a note that said 'for tonight' with a wink emoticon."

"Why did you deliver it?" I blinked.

"Because that's just what we do for each other. If it has to do with the three, now four of us, and our relationship with the doctors, we'll do it," she continued. "I remember I found a vibrator in her room one time, she said she uses it when she wants him but he's with other Suitehearts and can't spend time with her. But I'm not supposed to tell you that. Whatever, you're one of us now, it doesn't matter," Joey shook her head. "Donnie the Catcher's girl has been his Suiteheart for about seven months, and he's trying to downplay his love for her and not rush into things but she has told me about times when they've made out in his office."

I took in the information, "Okay and I'm now dating Dr. Benzedrine, which makes three. So, then, you're dating Sandman?"

"Obviously."

I thought back to the times when I thought I saw him grope her or the day after I'd 'fucked' William and noticed the two of them looked extremely happy, "It all makes sense now."

"Yeah," Joey ran a hand through her hair. "I haven't been completely honest with you. I would have told you that sooner but I wanted to make sure I could trust you. That not exactly business you spread around freely."

"I understand."

She smiled, "But now since both of us are dating our doctors, I can tell you. You know I've been in Cork Tree for three years; well I've been dating Sandman for almost two of those years. I came here at sixteen, turned seventeen about two months later, started dating Sandman after I turned eighteen but just before I turned nineteen. We have the longest relationship as of right now."

"Cute," I smiled back.

"Yeah. As you probably have guess, the two of us have had sex. We only started once I turned nineteen. You may have noticed the fact that our most recent time was when you saw William."

"I was just remembering that. You two looked way too happy that morning."

"I'm sorry. But now that you're one of us you'll understand."

"So," I sniffed. "Am I like inducted?"

"No. I'll just tell the girls. I'm sure they figured it out when Benzedrine said your name at graduation. We're going to have to take good care in covering you. Now that the Infirmary knows your name is 'Darling', it's going to take all of us to make sure your secret doesn't get out and we're not exposed."

I frowned.

"Don't be sorry. It's good that you're here now, now we don’t have to worry about one of the bitchy girls being Benzedrine's because, no offense, but the girls who are Benzedrine's…" she rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Don't worry, you're not like them. I'll tell the girls about you and then we'll arrange for a meeting time so you can get to know everyone. 'Kay?"

"Okay," I got quiet for a moment, trying to find a way to form the question I was going to ask. After thinking about it for a moment, I asked, "So how do you three get away with being intimate with the boys?"

Joe giggled, "We look out of each other, but mostly the boys' bedrooms and therapy rooms are soundproof. As for pregnancy scares, well, H. Shoe Crab and his girl use condoms. Donnie and his girl haven't done anything yet and as for Sandman and I…we don’t use condoms."

I gaped, "Then how do you-"

"For a while we did. When it was our year anniversary, we did it for the first time, and he used protection and we used it every time we had sex for a few months until Sandman suggested birth control pills. And now at breakfast, he makes sure that one of the pills I take is that one."

I nodded.

"Now when you and Benzedrine do it for the first time, if you need anything, you've got the three of us, remember that. We'll make sure you two have the best time of your life with the doctors."

I chuckled and got off her bed, "I'm going to go back to my room and process everything, but I'll talk to you tomorrow okay?"

"I'll be here."

I stretched and headed for the door feeling excited, confused, and relieved all in one. I was apart of a secret sorority type thing that consisted of only four of us. At least I wasn't the only one with the hots for a doctor. I almost walked out when Joey stopped me.

"Darling?"

I turned around, "Uh huh?"

"Just one question," Joey chewed her bottom lip.

"What's that?"

"It may not be my place to ask, but what are you going to do about William?"

My heart sank. I hadn't thought about that.


	14. Beware of Beckett

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Out of the HS chapters and into chapters written freshman and sophomore years of undergrad

"What are we going to do about William Beckett?"

Dr. Benzedrine tsked as he looked up from my chart. I lay in my bed and looked at him expectantly. I had just asked him the same thing Joey had asked me earlier.

"Oh, him? Don't you worry your pretty," Benzedrine kissed my forehead, "little…head about him."

"Why not?" I looked up at him. "William doesn't know that I'm in love with you. I'm technically still with William. If I'm with you, it's like I'm cheating on him."

Benzedrine scoffed, "As if he's not cheating on you."

I furrowed my brow, "What do you mean? What are you talking about?"

Benzedrine placed my chart back on his clipboard before taking a seat in the chair next to my bed. He placed his elbows on top of his thighs and laced his fingers together, resting his chin on top of them.

"Darling, you honestly don't think that your dear William has been faithful to you since you've been admitted to Cork Tree do you?"

"Well," I bit my lip, "yeah. He said he loved me and that he missed me. I'm guessing he's waited for me, that he hasn't moved on while I've been gone."

Benzedrine frowned, "Then you're guessing wrong. I heard him talking Darling. He's only here…well, never mind. Let me put it this way, he only visits you because he wants to sleep with you."

My eyes widened, "What? William wouldn't do that."

"If you don't believe me, he's coming in a couple of hours. You can ask him about it yourself, but I'm telling you-"

"I understand you're concerned about me, but William wouldn't just use me for sex," I shook my head. "Now, I need to find out a way to tell him that we can't be together anymore so I don’t hurt him-"

"If there's anyone who's going to be hurt, it's going to be you!" exclaimed Benzedrine.

I said nothing, only looked at his flushed cheeks and clearly anxious expression. I watched as he took a couple of breaths before speaking again.

"Carleen…Darling, I love you too much to see you get hurt," Benzedrine stood up. "Just hear me out okay? Don't trust William too much."

After kissing my forehead, Benzedrine wished me luck with William and left the room. I understood that he cared about me, but I'd known William longer than he had. I'm sure he'd gotten the wrong idea about him. William wouldn't use me like that. After all, he loved me.

* * *

William Beckett sat on my bed; his lanky, shirtless torso was hunched over. He had his back to me. I wanted to cry but I didn't have the guts to start. I felt like I was cheating on Benzedrine. Dr. Benzedrine warned me about times like this and he told me to ignore the guilt because he knew that I didn't love William. But I couldn't, I couldn't ignore the feeling that I was cheating on Benzedrine. If anything, I was cheating on Bilvy.

Somehow I wasn't so guilty about that.

William picked his shirt off the floor and, after rolling it up from the bottom, slipped it over his head and pulled his arms through the holes. I watched as he stood and began to look for his underwear and pants.

"Where are you going?"

He didn't face me, only slipped into his underwear and tugged his pants on.

"Bilvy?"

"I can't stay in bed forever with you, now can I?"

I heard the faint  _zip_ of his zipper and placed my hand over my eyes before closing them. Images from moments ago rushed passed my eyes: William kissing my neck as he pumped swiftly into my body, my hands gripping the bed sheets, his breath against my skin, the slight pain of stretching to let him in a second time. I opened my eyes quickly.

I wanted to vomit.

"So that's it?" I asked. "That's all. No pillow talk. No cuddling. Not even a moment more of feeling you lying next to me?"

William faced me, "No. Carly," he sighed, "I can't stay here with you forever. I have to get back home, to my own life."

I sat up. In my fists, I clutched the sheets that I was wrapped in. My eyes stared at his face, he looked bored or annoyed I couldn't tell which. It was probably both.

"What do you mean you need to get back to your own life?"

"I mean, we don't have time. I can't stay here all night."

"William, you signed in at the front, you have time with me, as long as you like. We're…we're not rushed, we have time."

William sighed and sat down on the bed, "Carleen, I can't keep doing this…this, you being here and me being away with the guys and the band."

"What are you saying?" I could feel a lump forming in my throat. I swallowed hard.

"I'm saying that I don't know if I can wait for you. I mean, who knows when you'll be out of this place, or if you'll even be my same Carly when you get out."

"William."

I reached out to touch his shoulder but he stood up quickly, stepping into his shoes before facing me once again. He didn't look like the same Bilvy I fell in love with, and I'm sure to him I didn't look like they same Carly.

Somehow I managed to whisper, "Don't," but it didn't sound like it was my voice. It sounded sad and choked.

"I'm sorry Carleen. I loved you a lot, I really did. But it's time for me to go, for good."

"William."

He kissed my lips one last time before moving his lips to my forehead, "I hope we can still be friends, Carleen. I'm so sorry."

I watched him walk out of my room before lying back down on my bed. The door closed behind him, adding a final touch to everything we had. I felt my heart jump into my throat at the thought of that. Everything we had…

'Everything We Had…'

It all made sense. The song he had sung to me before we slept together this last time, the song he said he was adding to the album before they released it, that song was about me. I touched the side of my bed where he had laid moments before and could feel it beginning to turn cold.

"Fuck."

I heard the word leave my tongue before I realized it. I felt my lower lip begin to tremble and took a sharp breath. Tears blurred my vision as I closed my eyes, grasped the sheets around my naked body. Hoping that Dr. Benzedrine would be on his way, I reached for the red 'call' button on the side of my bed, my fingers barely grazing it enough to press it.

Though I knew he couldn't hear me, I cried out for him, "Bez!"

My voice cracked, sobs shook my body, tears slid down my cheeks. Benzedrine was right. If there was anyone who got hurt tonight, it wasn't William.

It was me.

Benzedrine was right all along. William _didn't_ love me anymore. Apparently, he hadn't loved me for some time if he was able to write the song. It was then, for a moment, I realized that Benzedrine and I could be together without a problem, but it didn't linger in my head for longer than that. All I could think about was right now and the way William left me.

I pulled my legs into my chest and opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I wanted to scream, I wanted what William said to be untrue, and I wanted Benzedrine to make it better. I opened my mouth again and, at that point, my voice seemed to shatter as I screamed louder than I ever had before, "Bez!"

More sobs caught in my throat and timed seemed to slow. I shut my eyes tightly, pulling the sheets around me before a thud caused me to open my eyes.

"Darling?"

I looked up at Benzedrine with wide eyes. His eyes widened at the sight of me, his mouth slipped into a frown of shock and remorse, "Oh, Darling."

I whimpered and closed my eyes, allowing the new round of tears to fall freely. I heard Benzedrine shut the door behind him and walk quickly to the side of my bed. It wasn't long before I felt the warmth of his hand on my shoulder.

"It was William wasn't it?" He asked softly.

I nodded, "He…he left-"

Benzedrine pulled me into his body before I could utter another word, "Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh."

Without a word, he began kissing my forehead over and over, almost as if it would stop the sobs from leaving my body.

"Darling, I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry."


	15. She Gets the Skills from the Pills

Joey stood in the doorway of her hospital room glaring at Mr. Sandman. Her arms were folded, her lips pursed, and her eyes were narrowed as she leaned against the doorway using her left leg for support. Mr. Sandman was only four doors down the hall with a new Suiteheart of his. Jennifer was a girl with black hair with green stripes, curves and, even though she was about an inch shorter than Sandman, long legs. Sandman was only making sure that Jennifer had her medication for the day, but Joey didn't care. Being a particularly jealous type, Joey grew more and more pissed at the sight of her doctor and his newest patient. There was no way she was going to allow a new girl to steal away her doctor.

Sandman was hers.

"Sandman!" Joey called.

Mr. Sandman looked in her direction before waving his hand in horizontally across his neck and shaking his head. Apparently now wasn't a good time. Joey let out a frustrated growl and watched him continue talking to the new Suiteheart.

"I'm hungry and I don’t want to be late for breakfast!"

Sandman looked at her again and held up his index finger before turning back to Jennifer. One minute. Joey huffed and felt her cheeks burn. Now she knew how Tinkerbell felt when Peter Pan started spending all of his time with Wendy. She was just about to yell for Sandman again when he came walking down the hall towards her.

"Hey Sandman," grinned Joey. "What took you so long?"

Sandman folded his arms, "I was with my new Suiteheart. Jennifer has to adjust to this place and you need to be more understanding, Joey. Let's go to breakfast, we have a lot to talk about."

"Fine."

Joey rolled her eyes and followed Sandman to the refectory. In her head, she began formulating a plan. If Sandman was going to say what she thought he was going to say, her plan would be perfect for making sure his time would be spent mostly with her and on her. Once in the cafeteria, Joey took her seat at their usual table while Sandman went to get her breakfast and pills. She looked around the room for Darling and Benzedrine but found no trace of either of them.

 _'She must still be asleep. Maybe William came over,'_ she thought.

Sandman returned to the table with cereal, orange juice, toast, and her pills and slammed the tray down in front of her. Startled, Joey looked up.

"Where's Darling? I need to talk to her about something."

Sandman shrugged and took his seat, "I don't know. Bez and I were talking last night in his office and the next thing I knew, he was rushing over to her room. Something about an emergency and when he opened the door, I could swear I heard her screaming…and not in a good way."

"Oh no," Joey's face fell. "Is she alright?"

"I don’t know. I haven't seen him all morning," Sandman sighed. "Look, I don’t want to talk about Darling. I want to talk about you. What's gotten into you, Honey?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Joey stuffed a spoonful of Cheerios into her mouth.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. What were you thinking pulling a stunt like that? I was with a Suiteheart."

"I don't care if you were with your mother. You used to spend all of your time with me and now you're spending it with Jennifer."

Sandman groaned, "Look, I'm sorry. But I can't spend all of my time with you, especially not with the new Suitehearts coming in. Honey, I'm sorry but you need to be more patient and more willing to share me with the other patients. Now take your medicine."

He handed her the small cup with her pills inside, one for OCD, one for ADD, a vitamin, and the most important pill in their relationship, birth control. Joey stared at the pills.

"Joey, take your medicine."

Without a word, she picked up two of the pills put them in her mouth and took a sip of orange juice. Taking the last two, she placed them in her mouth and took another sip of juice.

"Good girl," Sandman smiled.

Joey nodded and waited what like seemed like ages for Sandman to look away. Once he did, she took a napkin, lifted her tongue, and spit out the hidden pills. There was no way she would take them, not with Sandman spending all of his time with Jennifer. She smiled to herself.

 _'I want his attention,'_ thought Joey, _'and if this is the only way I can get it, then so be it.'_


	16. Pretty in Punk

"Darling, are you hungry?"

I looked up at Dr. Benzedrine with puffy eyes and shook my head. I didn't know how much time had passed since William had walked out of that door. I didn’t know how long it would take for me to feel better. I didn't know if I could ever be friends with William again. I didn’t know if the numb feeling would ever go away.

All I knew was that William was truly gone and that Benzedrine was here.

"Carly?" Benzedrine touched my cheek. "Darling…it's nine o'clock. Are you sure you don't want something to eat?"

I nodded, "Bez, I'm not hungry."

"You need something in your-"

"I can't eat," I croaked. "It won't help. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to think. I just want to be. Okay?"

Benzedrine looked at me, taken aback slightly by my tone. He sat up on his elbow, "I know you're extremely upset about William. But you need to get out of your room. It will help you get over on him."

"Really? Will it really help me? Will it change the fact that William is gone? William tore my heart. He used me. He only kept me around so he could sleep with me…" I swallowed bitterly, "He took my virginity Bez."

"I know."

"So, will leaving my room change any of that?"

"No. Well, at least not all of it."

I scoffed, "Then why should I leave? What the hell good does it do?"

Benzedrine raised his eyebrows, "What the hell good does it do? Have you thought about you and me? Carly, last time I checked, someone was extremely concerned about what we were going to do with Mr. William Beckett in the picture."

"Yes," I agreed. "But that someone was rejected by Mr. William Beckett."

"And that's bad?"

"Yes…well, no…but yes. Bez, he used me."

"Yes, yes, I know. You keep saying that Darling and if I recall, I told you before this happened that William was using you. You just didn't want to listen to me. I know more than you think Carleen. Nothing gets past Dr. Benzedrine."

I sat up on my elbow, pulling the covers up to my chest as I rolled my eyes.

"Don't give me that," Bez snapped. "Like I've told you before, my temper can be rather short."

"But-"

"But nothing. I understand that you're upset, but I warned you. I told you that this was going to happen and you didn't listen to me. What happens to you happens to most girls who enter Cork Tree. Either their boyfriends are loyal to the point that they are smothering or obsessive, or their boyfriends are like yours. They're cheating, lying, using little worms who find their way into your heart and leave when it's most convenient for them, or when their new girlfriend is tired of hearing about how they're going to visit you. Remember what I told you? I told you that he was cheating on you. So stop rolling your eyes, Carleen. Try opening them and realizing that from this moment on, you stop being the girlfriend of William Beckett and start being the girlfriend of the one and only Dr. Benzedrine."

My breath caught in my throat and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Everything he said was true. He had warned me before Bilvy showed up and I didn't listen. At least now, with Bilvy gone, there's nothing stopping me. At least now I'm officially Benzedrine's girlfriend.

"So what do you say?" Benzedrine asked.

I felt my lip quiver, "You're right."

"Oh Carly, I hope you know that I'm only right if you agree with what I said," Benzedrine fiddled with the buttons on his jacket. "…If you still want to…be…my girlfriend."

I blinked a few times, allowing the tears that began to form to disappear. I swallowed a lump that came to my throat and answered, "I do agree with you."

Bez raised his eyebrows, "And?"

"And, I want to be your girlfriend."

"Really?"

"Yes," I gave a small smile. "But on one condition."

Benzedrine looked into my eyes, cupping my cheeks in his hands, "What's that?"

"Call me Darling. Please, don't ever call me Carly or Carleen. Only Darling."

"I'll call you whatever you want, 'Only Darling'."

I rolled my eyes and Dr. Benzedrine smiled as he pressed his lips against mine gently. Letting go of the covers, I leaned into him, eagerly accepting his kiss. Carefully, he laid me back while his lips parted slightly and his tongue traced my bottom lip. I opened my mouth, allowing him access long enough for me to tease his tongue. We pulled away just long enough for us to catch a breath before our lips collided again. Bez's legs went to either side of my body and upon feeling the lump in his pants against me, I felt an instant throbbing between my legs. I gasped and closed my eyes. Bez moved his lips to my neck, nipping lightly in between kisses. My legs opened. All he had to do was remove his pants…

"Darling."

Dr. Benzedrine stopped kissing my neck and looked at me. I looked up at him. Our breathing was quick and rough.

"Bez?" I moved my hands to his pants."You're ready."

"I know," he closed his eyes and groaned, "I know…and it's taking all my strength to not make love to you right now Darling."

"What's wrong?"

"We can't do this. Not here. Not right now."

I sat up, covering myself with the covers again, "Why not?"

"I have a surprise for you- and before you can say anything, it's not in my pants," Bez sighed. "Just listen to me. I do not want us to have sex right now alright? Trust me, you will not want to have it here either."

"How can you be so sure?" I raised an eyebrow.

I wasn't just thinking about how visibly ready he was, I was thinking about how ready I was. I'd never been this wet for William. I don't recall ever aching for him this much either.

"Trust me, okay? Besides, it's probably too soon after William and you crawling into bed with me isn't the best form of sympathy I could give you, Darling."

"Okay," I nodded. "But Benzedrine, you're just going to leave me like this?" I looked down suggestively as I moved the covers I was wrapped in.

Benzedrine blushed and fiddled with a button on his coat, "On that note, I'm going to leave you, Darling."

I pouted, "Benzie."

"Don't Darling. Like my temper, you'll find that my ability to control my sexual urges is rather short."

"Oh really," I smirked and wrapped the blankets around me again.

"Really."

Dr. Benzedrine took a few breaths to calm himself before he stood up and smoothed his clothing. I watched him walk over to the mirror and, as he fixed his hair, he began to sing. "I see your boyfriend; I don’t think he treats you right."

He turned to face me in time to see me raise an eyebrow at his lyrics. Was it mean for me? He smiled inwardly and walked towards me. Once he was in front of me, Bez placed his hands on his knees and looked at me with a smirk.

"But that's none of my business, is it?"

"Nope," I shook my head. "Besides, I have a new boyfriend now."

"Who?"

"You."

With a chuckle, Dr. Benzedrine planted a lustful kiss on my lips before turning on his heel and leaving my room.


	17. Renovation Plans

Dr. Benzedrine wandered out of Darling's room feeling more than a little happy. He couldn't believe that he had finally sealed the deal with her. He had finally found  _the_ Suiteheart. The doctor walked down the hall towards Mr. Sandman's office, he couldn't wait to tell his friend the great news. Knocking twice, he shifted his weight between his feet.

"Come in!"

Benzedrine didn't hesitate as he burst through the door to Sandman's office, "Sandy, oh Sandy you won't believe it!"

Mr. Sandman turned in his chair, "What is it now?"

Shutting the door behind him, Benzedrine sat down on the corner of Sandman's desk. His cheeks were pink, his smile was wide, and his eyes were wide. Sandman looked up at Benzedrine with a hint of annoyance. He hadn't seen his friend this happy since the first time he got laid.

"I finally have a Suitetart!" Benzedrine clapped his hands together.

"What?"

"Yes! I finally have a Suiteheart of my own, therefore making her my Suitetart. She's the best girl, so pretty and nice. It took a while for her to warm up to the idea of me and Cork Tree Infirmary. She's perfect."

"Well, I'm glad you finally found someone," Sandman nodded with a smile. "What's her name? Which Suiteheart is it?"

"Why, Darling of course."

"What?"

"Who else would it be?" Benzedrine rolled his eyes. "Don't give me that. You knew just as well as everyone else in this place that the moment I called her 'Darling', she would be mine. That stupid Cork Tree legend isn't exactly false."

Sandman sighed, "Bez, I'm happy for you but, you know we're not supposed to-"

"-Date our Suitehearts?" Bez scoffed. You know just as well as I do that everyone has considered it as more of a guideline than an actual rule. I know for a fact that you have been dating Joey for two years now. Not to mention that Crab has been with his Suitetart for a year and a quarter, and Donnie has been dating his for," he began counting on his fingers, "about seven months or so."

"Nothing gets past you, eh Bez?" Sandman chuckled.

He shook his head, "Nope. Anyway, I came here to give you the news and to ask you something."

"Benzedrine, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm not going to allow you to build a merry-go-round for you and Suitehearts."

"I'm not asking for that anymore, you've turned me down too many times. I was going to ask you about that room next to Joey's. Crab and Donnie's girls stay next door to one another and I was hoping-"

"-That Joey and Darling could stay next door to each other as well?"

"Basically."

Sandman shrugged, "I don’t see why not."

"Oh, come on-wait, what?" Benzedrine's eyes widened.

"Sure. We never thought that you would actually find your 'Darling', but now that you have, that room is hers. Crab, Donnie, and I have been furnishing it every month for a year with new things and we modeled it after Joey's room."

"Really? Oh, that's wonderful!" Immediately, his face fell. "Wait, you did make the room yellow right?"

"Do I look like an idiot to you?" Sandman raised an eyebrow. "Of course the room is yellow. There are a few other colors in the room, so it's not entirely too bright…but yeah. It's yellow." Without a word, Benzedrine threw his arms around the older man. Sandman gasped and hugged him back, "You're welcome."

"When can she move in?" The doctor pulled away.

"Tonight, after the girls are asleep, we'll help move all of her stuff in there. Tomorrow, you can surprise her with her room."

"If that doesn't work?"

"Joey will distract her," assured Sandman. "She and Darling haven't talked in a few days. All she knows is that Darling was screaming and you were running to her aid. Joey's been bugging me for answers, but I said I didn't know anything more than that-"

"So, basically, she's antsy to talk to Darling?" Benzedrine smiled.

"Basically," he smiled back.

"I'm so excited Sandman! I have a Suitetart. _I_ have a Suitetart. Can you believe it?"

"I'm happy for you Dr. Benzedrine, now get out. I have an appointment with a Suiteheart."

The younger man jumped off of Sandman's desk and headed for the door, "I finally have a Suitetart!"


	18. Repeat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A flawed portrayal of OCD in this chapter. At the time of writing this, I even had OCD but didn't know it, and also had no idea how flawed my portrayal is. To my fellow OCD folks, I apologize.

"Joey!"

I knocked on her door a few times and waited for her to answer. During dinner, Benzedrine suggested that I have a sleepover with Joey in order for me to tell her the news. So, after dinner, I changed into my pajamas, grabbed a pillow and a blanket and headed over to Joey's room.

The door swung open to reveal a girl with a messy ponytail and shaky hands. "Darling!"

"Whoa, Joey," my eyes widened. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," Joey grabbed my hand. "Get in here! We do need to catch up. You knocked exactly three times by the way."

"Uh…okay."

I entered her room, placing my pillow and blanket on her window seat. She closed the door behind me before locking it, unlocking it, locking it again, unlocking it again, and then locking it one final time.

I raised an eyebrow, "Is everything alright Joey?"

"Yep, I'm fine, just fine," she sat on her bed. "What about you?"

"I have some really exciting news for you," I sat across from her. "First things first though. What's up? You're all…I don’t know, different."

"Well, that's what happens when Sandman gets a new girlfriend."

"What?"

Joey's eyes shifted from side to side before focusing on me. Her pupils were slightly dilated. "Sandman was talking to Jennifer. New girl from down the hall, you know?"

"Green stripes?" I questioned, thinking back to a curvy girl with black hair and green highlights that I saw day or two ago.

"Yep," she confirmed.

"Yeah, I've seen her. She walks like she's the shit. I don't like her."

"Good. Well, he ignored me, got mad when I tried to get his attention. At breakfast, we talked about it and he was telling me I was overreacting. He gave me my meds and well I didn't take them."

My heart skipped a beat, "Joey."

"Darling."

"Are you sure that that was a good idea?"

"It's fine. I'll make him pay attention to me."

I touched her shoulder, "You can't be okay. I mean, you told me before that you need your meds. You told me that you're a nervous wreck without the drugs. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Honestly, I'm a nervous wreck right now. Sandman noticed at dinner but said that I needed to take another dose."

"Did you take it?"

"No."

I pinched the bridge of my nose, "Joey."

"I'm sorry, okay. I have to get his attention to be solely on me somehow. This was the only way I could think to do it and it's driving me crazy. C-R-A-Z-Y, crazy, crazy, crazy," she moved her head from right to left three times.

"How…?" I didn't know what to say.

"It's taking all of my concentration to sit here and hold this conversation with you," Joey stated. "Because I haven't been without medication in years, it will take a while before the meds are completely out of my system and I'm back to my true, non-medicated self."

"What do you call awhile?" My stomach was knotted with worry.

"About two days, if that."

I stared at her for a while, watching as my friend bounced lightly on the bed.

"You're my best friend Joey, are you sure this is safe?"

"Yes," she blinked three times and shifted her eyes to her left twice. "I have…control right now. It's difficult, but I'm controlling myself. After about two days, I won't be able to talk to you for this long. As I told you before Darling, Darling, Darling D-A-R-L-I-N-G, Darling, I'm ADD and OCD. Sandman has me on drugs, drugs, maximum strength, low strength, drugs. Drugs! Drugs! Drugs!"

She placed her hands on either side of her head and closed her eyes, growling in frustration. Seeing my best friend like this, it hurt like hell, to tell the truth. I wanted to interfere, but this is what Joey wanted to do. Now that I have Benzedrine, I can't say that I wouldn't stop taking my meds, shots, and IV drips if he was spending more time with another Suiteheart. I thought back to what she'd told me at graduation.

_"It's just… when I was admitted here, I could barely function. I mean, if it wasn't for Sandman, you and I wouldn't be talking right now, because you wouldn't be able to hold my attention and I would lose my train of thought."_

Opening my arms, I pulled her into a hug. She struggled for a moment before settling down and resting her head on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Joey whispered. "I have to get my Sandman back. I'm such a jealous type when it comes to other Suitehearts and him."

"It's okay," I nodded. "I guess I'll feel the same way now that Bez is officially mine."

Joey pulled away from me, "You and Bez are official now?"

"Yep, that's what I came over to tell you."

"You two deserve each other."

"Thanks."

"Now you really are a part of the club, club, club. C-L-U-B," She jumped off the bed and adjusted the blinds.

I watched as she twisted the blinds open, closed, open, closed, open, and finally closed. She moved to the TV in the corner, turned it on and off three times, and then came back to sit down across from me again.

"I'm sorry," Joey rubbed her eyes.

"It's okay," I sighed. "I'm just really worried about you."

"Can you do me a favor?"

"Anything, what?"

"I'm starting to lose control and I'm going to start getting worse. Can you get Sandman when I start getting really bad?"

"What do you call bad?" I raised my eyebrows.

"When I can't talk to you for more than a few seconds without getting distracted, or when I won't be able to sit down, or when I start repeating things worse than I am now. Please, get Sandman, or even Bez."

"Okay, I'll do that."

Joey closed her eyes and shook her head, "Promise me, promise, promise, P-R-O-M-I-S-E."

"I promise."


	19. New Space, New Relationship

"Darling, Darling wake up."

I opened my eyes slightly and squinted at the sight of yellow, "Bez? What are you doing here? Is something wrong?"

Dr. Benzedrine shook his head, "Nothing's wrong. I just want to show you something. It's sort of important."

Standing up, I folded my blankets and placed the pillow I borrowed from Joey beside her on her bed. She was lying on her back with her arms out to her sides and the blankets kicked around her. Her eyes were shut tightly and her breathing was heavy. I frowned as I immediately noticed the sweat covering her face. Pushing the pillow off the bed, she whimpered and Joey rolled onto her side.

"Sand, sand, sand!" Joey twitched. "S…A…N…D!"

I turned to Bez, "We should tell Sandman."

"Tell him what?" Bez raised an eyebrow. "Do you know why she's acting like this?"

"Well…"

Just then, Mr. Sandman entered the room. He seemed a little tired but maybe it was because he was wearing a black shirt and black pajama pants.

"Darling, are you ready?" Sandman asked me.

I furrowed my brow, "Ready for what?"

"To see your surprise," Bez kissed my forehead. "Close your eyes."

Doing as I was told, I felt him place his hands over my eyes and guide me through the door. It wasn't until after we'd moved into the hallway and into a doorway that Benzedrine and I stopped.

"Okay, Darling," Bez whispered in my ear, "on the count of three you can open your eyes. One-"

"-Two," Sandman counted.

"Three."

Bez moved his hands and I opened my eyes to find a room covered with canary yellow, light blue, and white items. The walls were mostly white, with the exception of two yellow stripes that were centered between the floor and the ceiling and ran from wall to wall. My eyes traveled to the ceiling where I noticed a ceiling fan with four, cream-colored, guitar-shaped blades. I looked at the floor and smiled at the carpeted floor which was the perfect shade of canary yellow.

"What are you waiting for?" Dr. Benzedrine grinned. "Go inside. After all, it is your room."

My heart felt like a drum in my chest when I entered my room. There was a window accompanied by a light blue window seat and curtains that matched. On a side wall, there was a counter about three feet long with a sink, drawers, and a cabinet which I was certainly held my medicine and IVs.

"Have you seen your bed?" Sandman asked. "Donnie the Catcher, H. Shoe Crab, and I picked it out."

I looked at my bed which was placed with the headboard against the wall as usual. It was like my normal hospital bed except for the light blue bedding and yellow pillows. Beside my bed sat an armchair with a tall lamp behind it and an extra blanket draped over the chair.

"So," Sandman shut the door behind him.

"What do you think?" Benzedrine squeezed my shoulders lightly.

I smiled, "I love it!"

Benzedrine grinned and kissed me happily on the lips. As his arms wrapped around me, I kissed him back and leaned into him. We pulled away breathlessly after several seconds.

"On that note," Sandman rubbed the back of his neck, "I need to speak with you about something important Carleen. It's not a surprise. It's rules."

I crawled into my new bed and tucked myself in, while Dr. Benzedrine adjusted my bed.

"You're dating Dr. Benzedrine now and there are a few things that you need to keep in mind," began Sandman. "For starters, you and Benzedrine cannot kiss, hold hands, or hug around any other Suiteheart. You can't make it apparent that you two are in a relationship. You two will have time to be alone, and that time will be spent in Bez's office or bedroom. The time can be spent in your room, however, the blinds must be closed and the door must be locked. You two may do anything you want in your room, as long as it's not sex."

"Understood," I nodded.

"Finally, when it comes to sex, the two of you need to be careful-

"In more ways than one," added Bez.

He slid a new needle into the back of my hand and adjusted my IV drip. I gasped, staring up at Dr. Benzedrine as I began to feel the rush of medicine in my veins. A smirk crossed his lips before he kissed me gently again.

"We use a lot of preventative measures," Sandman continued. "Honey and the other two girls are on birth control. Like the other girls, you will be taking birth control from now on. Being with one of the doctors is a serious responsibility and a large secret to keep. If you, Honey, or any of the other girls were to become pregnant-"

"I will take my birth control," I stopped him. "Besides, you shouldn't be worried about me. You need to be concerned about Honey. That's Joey, isn't it?"

Sandman's eyes narrowed. "Yes, that's Joey. Why should I be concerned about her? What do you know?"

"Um…"

"What do you know? Tell me now!"

"Well, Joey is upset that you are spending too much time with the new girl. She…she stopped taking her pills." I watched as Sandman's face slipped into fear. "I told her not to but-"

"How long ago did she stop taking her pills?"

I bit my lip, "Not long, maybe a couple of doses ago. Joey sounded like a broken record last night. Whenever she said something, she would say it and then repeat it three times. So, like, if she said 'look out the window', she'd say 'look out the window, window, window, window, w-i-n-d-o-w. "

"Oh, God," Sandman headed for the door. "Thank you for telling me."

Both Dr. Benzedrine and I watched Sandman leave my room in a hurry. While my door was closing, I heard Joey scream 'Sandman, Sandman, Sandman, S-a-n-d-m-a-n, I, I, I, I need, need, need, n-e-'.

Bez stroked my cheek, snapping me away from the screams of my best friend. "It's okay, he knows what to do. Darling, you know you did the right thing by telling Sandman."

"Yeah," I stared at the door. "I just hope Joey won't be too mad at me."


	20. Brother

"Bez, have you heard anything about Joey?"

Dr. Benzedrine removed my IV and kissed my hand, "I haven't heard anything Darling. I'm sorry. You know, you could go check on her."

I sat up and raised my eyebrows, "I can? But I thought Sandman-"

"He won't care, Darling. Besides, if he does, just tell him I approved it."

"Really?"

"Really," Bez smiled. "You should probably go now. I have other Suitehearts I need to visit."

I looked at Dr. Benzedrine suggestively, "But, I want you to stay here and  _visit_ me."

"I would like to Darling, but you're not my only patient," he kissed my forehead. "I'll tell you what. After you finish checking on Joey, I'll come back."

"What are we going to do when you come back?"

"Oh, I don’t know. We can either go to my office or my bedroom."

"What are we going to do there?"

Bez's lips started at my lips and wandered down to the base of my neck. I shuddered as his hands moved down my breasts and settled between my legs. He smirked, "Finish what we started here."

I kissed him, "Wonderful."

We kissed one more time before Bez opened the blinds and left my room. Sighing, I swung my legs off my bed. The last time I saw Joey was three days ago when she was screaming and twitching in her sleep. Exiting my room, I walked next door to Joey's room.

"I hope she's better now," I muttered. "She was really bad last time we talked."

I raised my hand to knock on her door when a man with dark hair quickly opened it. His back was to me, so I couldn't tell who it was, but I knew it wasn't Mr. Sandman.

"I'll visit you later Joey," he waved.

Joey waved, "See you, Mike. I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too. Take your meds!" The man warned.

"I will!"

"You better, Joey. I don't want to get another call like that again."

She raised her pinky, "I promise."

The man turned around, closing the door behind him as he came face to face with me.

"Sorry," he half-smiled. "I didn't mean to-"

I stared at his face with wide eyes. He looked extremely familiar. Those eyes, that smile, and his shaggy, dark hair and swoop bands, I'd seen it all before. Who was this man?

"Carleen?" His eyes lit up. "Is that you?"

"Yes."

He placed his palm against his chest, "It's me. You know, Mike Carden."

It all came back to me. I remembered him. Mike Carden was in a band with William Beckett, my now ex-boyfriend. Mike and I were friends. Well…in a sense.

"Mike," I smiled. "It's good to see you."

"You too," Mike's eyes scanned me. "William told me you were here too."

"He did, huh?" A scoff exited my throat. "He's wonderful isn't he?"

"He told me about your break up."

"William fucked me and then left me. It wasn't really a break-up."

Mike touched my shoulder, "I'm sorry, Carly."

"It's okay," I shrugged. "I've moved on. Besides, I go by Darling now."

"Well, it was good to see you. I have to get back home. We have band practice tonight."

"It was good to see you, too."

"Who knew that my sister and my best friend's ex-girlfriend would both wind up in CTI?"

Giving a half-hearted laugh, I waved at Mike, who began to walk down the hall towards the elevator. Quickly, I entered Joey's room and shut the door behind me.

"Are you okay?" She questioned. "You don't look so good."

I sat across from Joey on her bed, "Mike's your brother?"

"Yeah. How do you know him?"

"I've known him for a few years. William and Mike are in a band together."

"A band?" Joey furrowed her eyebrows.

"Yeah, it's called The Academy Is…. Your brother plays guitar and William is vocals. Didn't he tell you?" I asked.

"No. Mikey never mentioned he had a band to me. I guess he must have joined it after I was sent here."

"Probably. So, how often does Mike visit you?"

"Not very often," Joey sighed, "which explains why he doesn't tell me stuff. Darling?"

"Yes."

"In all the time that you knew Mikey, he never told you that he had a sister?"

"No," I shook my head. "Not once."

Joey's face fell, "That doesn't surprise me."

"Why do you say that?"

"Come on Darling, don't be coy. I mean, if you had a sister in Cork Tree Infirmary, you wouldn't mention her either."

I didn't understand, "Why wouldn't I?"

"Because," Joey explained. "Cork Tree is not considered a good place to be. To others, Cork Tree has the same connotations as an asylum."


	21. Secret Club

"Joey, I'm nervous."

The two of us were walking around CTI at eleven at night. It was 'after hours' and Suitehearts weren't supposed to be out of their rooms. Though she wasn't supposed to be out of bed for another two days, Joey was taking me to meet the girls H. Shoe Crab and Donnie the Catcher were dating.

"Would you relax?" She linked arms with me. "We're not going to get in trouble. Or did you forget? We're dating the people who we would get in trouble with."

Turning a corner, we walked down another long hallway. All of the doors were closed and looked so uniform. At night, we were allowed to shut our doors, but they had to remain unlocked.

I chewed my lip, "Where are we going?"

"We're almost there."

I looked over my shoulder for the tenth time.

"Stop it. You're making me nervous."

"We were going to get caught, if not by the doctors then by another Suiteheart-"

Joey stopped in front of a door that looked just as plain and unremarkable as the other Suiteheart's doors. "We're here."

"How do you know that this is the right place?" I panicked. "What if we knock on the door and it's a normal Suite-"

"If you're going to keep questioning me, we can turn around," Joey sighed. "You really need to calm down. I'm glad you're concerned about getting caught. You, out of all of us, should be. But we're not going to get caught here. Take a deep breath. It's going to be okay."

I took a deep breath while Joey knocked once, paused for a moment, knocked twice, paused again, and knocked three times. The door opened and revealed a girl with an average body, slightly tan skin, and a medium sized chest. Her hair was strawberry blonde with dark roots and hung just above her shoulders.

Her hazel eyes narrowed, "Joey…is this?"

Joey nodded.

"Come in, come in!" She opened the door wider for the two of us.

We entered and she shut the door behind us. She locked the door before walking across the room. She wore a gray CTI t-shirt and gray pair of yoga pants with a number 72 on the left thigh. Her room was like mine and Joey's only the color scheme was different. I felt like I had stepped into a White Stripes video. The walls were red, her bed was white, and the bedspread was red with white stripes. The pillows were red and white as well, with two small black pillows. Her window seat was white and her windows had red curtains and there were black chairs.

The hazel-eyed girl headed towards a door across from her bed. "I'm Audrey. I'll better introduce myself in a sec. I've got to get Eileen. Make yourselves comfortable."

"So she's H. Shoe Crab's," I asked, taking a seat in one of the chairs.

"Yep," Joey sat on the bed.

"They have conjoining rooms too? Do all Suitehearts have that?"

"No, just the four of us do. The doctors want it that way. It makes it easier for them to find us and to make sure we don't get caught."

A few moments later, Audrey entered the room with a tired-looking girl in tow. She had a round face and her stomach was slightly chubby. Even though she was shorter than me and the Audrey girl, she was taller than Joey. She ran a hand through her black hair, twirling her long locks around her finger. I looked at her outfit, searching for her number. A gray CTI tank top covered her torso while her gray pair of shorts reached the middle of her thighs, the number 58 visible on the left side.

Joey pointed at her, "That's Eileen."

"What's the rush?" She plopped into a chair. "You're acting like there's an emergency."

Audrey sat on her bed next to Joey, "This is about Darling."

"Darling? Isn't that Benzedrine's alleged girl?"

"She's not alleged," Joey remarked. "She's sitting right next to you."

Eileen's green eyes focused on me, "You're the infamous Darling?"

I nodded.

"It's so nice to meet you! I can't believe it. I heard Benzedrine say your name at graduation, but I wasn't sure if I'd heard him correctly or if he was kidding. But I guess he wasn't kidding. You're finally here. Oh! I'm Eileen. Donnie the Catcher is my doctor and has been my boyfriend for seven months."

"Whoa, Eiley, calm down," Audrey chuckled. "You're going to scare the poor girl. Hi, Darling, I'm Audrey. Horse Shoe Crab is my doctor. We've been in a relationship for a year and three months."

I smiled, "It's nice to meet you both."

"So, Darling, what's your real name?"

"Yeah," Eileen sat up straight. "Your real name can't be 'Darling'. After all, Benzedrine hands out nicknames like candy."

My stomach flipped, "My real name's Carleen."

"Carleen! Oh, it's destiny!"

"Destiny?" Joey sniffed. "How is it destiny?"

"Well, you and Audrey have the same endings and so do Carleen and I. Plus our nicknames, Joey, 'Drey, Eiley, and now Carly. It's fate! Darling, you're meant to be one of us."

"Did Donnie screw with your dosage again?"

"So," I changed the subject. "What does being in this secret society entail? I'm a little lost."

"What do you know?" Audrey asked.

"Not much. Joey told me that you three help each other out when it comes to private matters with the doctors. She also said that I had to protect the secret."

"That's pretty accurate. Thanks, Joey!"

"Welcome, 'Drey" Joey smiled.

"Well to add on to what Joey said, our secret cannot get out. No one in CTI can know that we are dating our doctors. This is going to be hard for all of us because Bez mentioned your name at graduation. Every Suiteheart's radar is already up about you, so you need to be especially careful. We're willing to help."

"It's our job to help," Eileen agreed. "We make sure our secret doesn't get out by helping each other. I'm sure Joey has told you, but if you need Bez to get a love note from you or anything like that, we will make sure he gets it without anyone knowing."

"If you need any of us, our doors are always open," continued Audrey. "Eileen and I live next door to each other. Did the doctors get you a room next to Joey yet?"

"Yep," I chewed my lip. "Bez moved me a few days ago."

"Good. Now, if you need me or Eiley, all you have to do is knock the pattern on the door."

Joey held up one finger, "Knock once, for the Father."

"Twice, for the Son," Eileen added.

Audrey stretched, "Three times, for the Holy Ghost. Don't forget to pause in between knocks."

"We have meetings every now and then, just to make sure everyone's okay. Did Sandman tell you about being careful when you're intimate?"

"Yes. I told him I would take my pills," I mentioned. "Is he usually that…intense?"

"He can be," Eileen smiled. "He's very serious about that kind of thing."

Joey looked out the window, "As he should."

"Okay," Audrey clapped her hands together. "I think that's it, then. Welcome to the club. Is there anything you want to know about us?"

I shrugged.

"Anything at all?"

"Well, what are you all here for? What brought you to CTI? I know Joey's ADD and OCD, what about you two?"

Eileen began to twist her hair nervously. She made no eye contact with anyone, almost as if she was ashamed. After a few moments, she looked at me. "My parents sent me here because I have an eating disorder."

My eyes widened slightly.

"As you can see, I'm not exactly skinny. My friends and family didn't hesitate in reminding me of that fact. They would make me feel bad because I wore a medium when every girl in my family could wear smalls. So I tried starving myself for a while. But when that didn't work, I'd work out during all of my free time. When that didn't work, I would eat all the time. I figured that since my body wanted me to be 'fat', I should cater to it…"

"Eileen," my jaw dropped.

"I know. They sent me here in hopes that I would get fixed. Donnie has been the best. I'm slowly getting better. I don't eat all of the time and I don't have the urge to starve myself or work out. I'm eating healthier and I'm confident in my body. Of course, it's taken almost a year. It's all thanks to Donnie," Eileen's cheeks reddened. "You know, when he first told me I was beautiful, I thought it was because he was just trying to make me feel better. But he kept saying it and when I asked him why, he explained that he sincerely thought I was beautiful and wanted to be more than just my doctor. Now, here we are."

Joey yawned, "So cliché."

"Shut up!" Eileen threw a pillow at her.

"Joking!"

"What about you, 'Drey?" I smiled. "What are you here for?"

"I'm glad you asked," Audrey folded her legs. "I'm what some people like to call 'high strung'."

Eileen scoffed.

Audrey gave a wave of her hand, "Whatever. I'm a very anxious person. My parents divorced when I was young and so my two sisters and I lived with my dad. My mom didn't want to take care of us, so my dad did his best. For a guy, he did well raising three girls but I was always his challenge. It easily makes me nervous and agitated whenever things didn't go according to plan, someone didn't know the directions on how to get somewhere, we were late somewhere, you know things like that." She ran a hand through her hair, "What can I say? I'm a worrier. I get nervous easily. I don't know how to explain it. They took me to other doctors but no amount of valium helped. It got to the point where my dad couldn't handle it. My older sister couldn't help me and neither could my middle sister. They said it was because I was the youngest that I was so intense. I think that's shit. I got home from school one day and saw that my bags were packed. They shoved me into a car and off we drove. I freaked out the entire way here because I like to know where I'm going and no one would tell me where the hell we were going. They said that maybe the doctors could fix me. I've been here for two years."

"Whoa," I raised my eyebrows. "Has H. Shoe Crab been able to help you?"

"Help me? He's the only one who can calm me down when I'm wound!" Audrey had a goofy grin on her face. "I don't think I've ever met a guy with the amount of patience and understanding that he has. He's there when I need him and he's managed to figure out what calms me down the best. I only need to take pills occasionally. He's…amazing."

Eileen rested her chin in her hand, "What about you Darling?"

"Huh?" I jumped.

"Yeah," Audrey questioned. "Why are you here?"

Even Joey sat up a little straighter as they all eagerly waited to hear my story. I closed my eyes in thought, trying to remember anything about the day I came here.

Opening my eyes, I sighed. "I don't remember much. I remember sleeping a lot and having aches and emotional issues. I remember waking up to Bez and practically being blinded by his clothes and the sun. It wasn't until William, my now ex-boyfriend, showed up that I started remembering bits and pieces. He wrote me a letter saying that it wasn't my fault my dad abandoned me and my mom. William wrote a song about me because he didn't think it was fair. Apparently, we got into a fight and I wanted to leave him. I ran away. But…"

"You can't remember?" Joey asked.

I shook my head.

Audrey's eyes were wide, "I'm sorry, Darling. That really blows."

"You're telling me," I scoffed to hide my tears. "I feel really…bad. All of you know why you're here and I don't have a clue."

Eileen took my hand, "Don't feel bad. That's why you're here. Between us and Bez, you'll remember."

"We'll help you," Audrey encouraged. "Dr. Benzedrine is the perfect doctor for you. He's great at helping his Suitehearts and, with you being his girlfriend, I'm certain he won't let you become a lost cause."

I wiped my eyes, "Thank you."

"Welcome. So, tell us, what's Bez like?"

"Bez?" I felt my face grow hot. "Well, from day one, Bez has been amazing. He's so sweet to me. He's been trying to help me remember. In the beginning and even now, when I'm a bit rebellious, he knows just how to get me to snap out of it. You know? When William broke up with me during one of his visits, Bez ran to my room and stayed until I was better. I know I haven't been with Bez as long as you all have been with your doctors, but I love him."

"Relationship length doesn't mean much," Joey shrugged. "What matters is that you love him and he loves you."


	22. The Accident

_"Daddy, come back!"_

_A five-year-old girl ran out of the front door, her auburn curls bouncing around her. Her wide eyes were overflowing with tears that fell down her chubby cheeks. The tall, red-haired man refused to turn around at his daughter's request._

_"Carleen,_ sweetheart _, come here!" Her mother, Meredith, stood in the doorway with tearful green eyes. "Sweetheart, please."_

_She had done all she could, but things with her husband were never going to be the same. Cain was done with her. He was done with their daughter. He was done with family life. There was nothing she could say that would change his mind. She just had to remain strong for Carleen._

_Carleen returned to her mother. "Mommy, where is daddy going?"_

_"He's leaving, sweetheart."_

_"But why? I want daddy!"_

_Carleen's mother wiped her own eyes before lifting Carleen into her arms. "I want him,_ too,  _sweetheart, but he doesn't want us."_

_"Why, mommy? Did I do something wrong?"_

_"You never did anything wrong. Mummy did nothing wrong. We did nothing to make daddy go away." Meredith sighed. "Remember that, all right?"_

_She looked up at her mother doubtfully._

_"You never, ever did anything wrong to make daddy go away."_

_Carleen chewed her lip and nodded, "Okay, mommy."_

_Meredith kissed her daughter's forehead and smoothed her hair. She held Carleen close as the two of them watched Cain walk out of their lives forever. More tears fell from Carleen's eyes and she began to whine._

_"Shh," Meredith wiped her daughter's tears. "We have to be strong, all right? No tears. Daddy's gone, but it will be just us girls now. We can do without him, can't we?"_

_She frowned at Carleen's silence. She wasn't sure how she wouldn't be able to raise their daughter without her husband by her side, but she would have to do it._

_"Mommy," Carleen sniffed. "I miss daddy!"_

_"I miss him too."_

_…_

_"You inconsiderate asshole!"_

_William rolled his eyes, "I'm inconsiderate? You're the one who started it, Carleen."_

_Carleen stared daggers at William from the passenger seat. They were having another fight. Both of them were stressed. She had a midterm coming up and he was spending most of his time at band practice working on new songs for their first album. He was driving her home from listening to his bands newest songs, including 'Down and Out' which he had written specifically for her. The night had gone fairly well. Well until they had gotten into the car, and he brought up his plans to stay home Saturday night._

_"I started it? You're the one who said that I'm the reason why my dad abandoned my mom and me."_

_"Well, you're a leech for free time. Every time I have a_ free _moment, you're bugging me to hang out. Maybe I want time to myself. Maybe that's what your dad wanted and you couldn't respect that. And neither could your mother."_

_"You don't know a damn thing about that. How dare you-?"_

_"How dare I?" William took his eyes off the road to glower at her. "You always-"_

_"William, look out!"_

_The bright headlights of an SUV headed straight for them. He slammed on the breaks but it was too late. He turned the wheel quickly to the left and avoided the car, but managed to send the passenger side of the car sliding into a telephone pole. William hit his head on his steering wheel. He groaned and sat up straight. His hands were shaking uncontrollably and his nose really hurt. He thanked God that he and Carleen were wearing their seatbelts._

_"Carleen, are you okay?" asked William._

_He looked over at his girlfriend to how she faired after the accident. What he saw caused his heart to stop and his stomach to flip-flop. Carleen's body was slumped forward in between against the crumpled car door and the dashboard. Her head leaned against the cracked windshield, blood from her forehead beginning to blend with her hair._

_"Carleen?"_

_A soft groan left her lips, but then she fell silent again. The fight they were having earlier seemed petty now. He had to get help. Undoing her seatbelt and his, he opened his door. William gently moved Carleen backward and then slid his arms under her armpits. He carefully lifted her up and over the gear shift, then dragged her out of the car with him. The two of them hit the grass just as the wail of a police car and an ambulance filled his ears._

_Carleen saw the flashing red lights from behind her eyelids and slowly opened her eyes. Her head felt fuzzy. "Bilvy?"_

_"I'm here," he wiped blood away from his nose. "The ambulance is coming. Someone must have called."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"No, I'm so sorry. Carly, this is all my fault."_

* * *

 

Darling gasped and sat up straight. Her heart pounded in her chest as she looked around the room for any sign of Dr. Benzedrine. It wasn't long before her eyes caught his frame standing next to her bed. She threw her arms around him and began to cry.

"Darling, what's wrong?" Benzedrine rubbed her back. "Did you have a nightmare?"

"No, Bez…. I remembered."


	23. Files

"We know now that your dad was gone and dear William crashed the car and nearly killed both of you. Darling, do you remember what happened after the accident?"

I shook my head. "Bez…I don't. I'm trying, but I can't. It's all fuzzy."

Bez took a seat in my bedside chair. He started scribbling furiously on his clipboard, his lips mumbling something under his breath. He looked up at me for a brief second, "Try, Darling. Close your eyes, think back to that night, and try to remember. There's got to be something you remember."

I did what he said. All I could see was William lying on the ground next to me. He looked like he was crying. He kept apologizing, scanning me with his eyes for any more injuries other than the one to my head. It all went white. "Bez, all I see is what I told you and then it's white."

"White," he muttered.

Searching through my thoughts, I tried hard to remember. A burst of white flooded through the black. Colors painted the picture behind my eyelids and I could feel memories being replaced. "Bez…Bez! It's coming back to me. There's these white lights that look like hospital lights, you know? I see white sheets and people standing over me. William is beside my bed. He's got bandages on his face."

"What else do you remember?"

"My mom is upset. She's glad I'm okay, but she wants to call my grandparents. The hospital won't let her cause there are extra charges for international calls. She's upset about that. I'm trying to calm her down, but I can't say much. My head hurts. William's trying to calm her down."

Bez's tone shifted from concern to curiosity, "Whoa, wait. International charges? Darling, is your dad American and your mom from across the pond?"

"I think so," I shrugged, my eyes still tightly shut. "The doctors are saying something but I can't understand. It's fuzzy. Things are getting fuzzy again. Bez…"

"Can you remember anything else?"

"No." I opened my eyes. "That's it."

"Are you sure?" pressed Bez.

"Yes. It's all gone again. Dammit!" I slammed my fist on my bed. "I want to remember Bez. I want to know what happened to me. I remember how I felt the first day I saw you. I know that I was tired all the time. I know that I had an accident. I know that I was having aches. I guess those are from the accident now that I think about it. But…ugh! This is so frustrating!"

Dr. Benzedrine finished making notes on his clipboard and got to his feet. "Darling, there is one thing that I think might help you remember. It will take me a few hours, but I promise it will likely help you."

"What is it?"

"I need to read your file."

"My file?" I asked. "What like my medical file?"

"Yeah," Bez adjusted his glasses. "At Cork Tree Infirmary, in order for a girl to become a Suiteheart, her parents have to fill out a packet of paperwork. It's basic stuff like allergies, past health problems, the usual paperwork you fill out at a doctor's office. But that only counts for 2 pages of your file. The rest includes personal questions. These questions are mostly about what the parent is concerned about when it comes to you, any changes you've experienced, any mood shifts, anything that has changed in you that your guardians think is odd. There's also a section that has frivolous crap like favorite color, food, stupid personality questions. Your parents fill it out, turn it in, usually either Sandman or Donnie reviews it, and decides if you're a right fit for Cork Tree. If you are, then you get assigned a doctor."

I stared at him. "Whoa. My mom filled out paperwork to send me here?"

"Yes. I hate to say this Darling, but it takes about three months for us to go through your file and make a final decision on you. That being said, that means—"

"—my mom had to have decided she was going to send me here a long time ago."

"Well, not necessarily," Bez explained. "For most Suitehearts, yes, that's the case. Their parents plan to send them here and don't tell them anything about it. They pack up the girls stuff, put them in the car, and drive the poor girls up here. The emotions explode. Some girls cry, some swear, some get so angry, and rightfully so. But for you, something tells me you're not in that majority. Darling, you had an accident. Your mom probably worried about your behavior after the accident. You were probably acting differently. As a single parent she probably freaked and filled out the application, and three months later, you were here."

"Okay, let me get this straight," I chewed my bottom lip anxiously. "You mean to say that my file will basically have all the information about why I'm here…and will probably have information about my accident and what happened after and all the stuff that I can't remember?"

"Basically."

"Haven't you read my file already though? I mean, isn't that what doctors usually do?"

Dr. Benzedrine gave a small nod, "Yes. They usually do. However, I'm different. Darling, I usually don't read the files of my Suitehearts. Donnie, Sandman, and Crab all read their files before they administer treatment. Personally, I don't like to do that. I like to go with my gut and help my Suitehearts in what I feel is the best way I know. I tried reading files for my first year and two of my girls became lost causes. I decided from that day on I wasn't ever going to read another Suiteheart's file when she came in. I would get to know them and what helps and what doesn't without solely relying on the information their parents and guardians put in it to get me started."

"Oh," I smiled. "I like that. I think that's pretty considerate of you to some extent."

"Really?" His eyebrows rose. "I would have thought you'd be angry with me."

"No, I'm not. Not reading a Suitehearts file kind of protects her in a way. I mean, some parents might make up stuff just to get them in CTI and out of their hair, you know? I don't know if that's the case for me, but I'm kinda glad you didn't read my file yet. Would it be nice if you already knew what happened to me so you could just tell me? Yeah. But that doesn't change my opinion of you. I still love you, Bez. You did what you thought was best for me. That's what matters. Besides, it might have been better for both of us that you didn't read my file first. I mean, I don't want to be a lost cause."

Bez leaned forward, kissing me gently. He seemed relieved that I was okay with everything. "I love you too, Darling. I don't want you to be a lost cause either." Bez took my hand. "I'm doing everything in my power to make sure you're not one. But since you don't remember, you've been tricky for me. I've been playing with the idea of reading your file for a few days now. I've been on the fence about it, but I think I've made a decision now."

"You're gonna read my file?"

"I'm gonna read your file."


	24. Darling's File

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written during undergrad. From here on out, any updates will be current updates!

Dr. Benzedrine threw Darling's file across the room and buried his head in his hands. He knew that her file was going to be interesting. Any Suiteheart who couldn't remember something, had an accident, and/or had a boyfriend was always an interesting Suiteheart in his eyes. With Darling, however, things were different. Things weren't the way they were supposed to be. Her file started out simple enough, starting with her health information

_Name: Carleen Michel_   
_Height: 5' 4.5''_   
_Birthday: October 29_   
_Hair color: Auburn_   
_Eye color: Amber_   
_Mother name: Meredith Michel_   
_Father name: Benjamin Fischer_   
_Allergies: Almonds_

This went on for half of the page before moving to section two, where she then completed a series personality questions.

_Sign: Scorpio_   
_Favorite Color: Yellow_   
_Favorite Holiday: Christmas_   
_Favorite Food: Pretzels_   
_Favorite Drink: Jones Soda_   
_Boyfriend/Girlfriend: William Beckett_

The file was normal so far and the personality questions went on this way for about a page and a half. It wasn't until he got to the third section of her file that he grew concerned. In the third section, her family had to fill out personal information about her. He should have known something was wrong when he read a concise personal statement from William Beckett.

 _Carly and I have been dating for about two years. I don't know what's gotten into her. She's been acting weird. She was always cool to hang with_ _and sleep with, but since I crashed my car, Carly's been odd. She hurt her head and since then she's been acting different. I'm not sure if Cork Tree will help her because it's a crazy hospital, and she's not completely crazy. But, I mean, if her mom thinks it's a good idea, I think she'll be okay. I just want to make sure that she gets the help she needs._  
 _\- William Beckett_

William's letter made Benzedrine roll his eyes, and was definitely what he expected from the boy who strung Darling along and left her crying. However, it was the letter from Darling's mother that he couldn't let go.

_William was driving the car the night that Carly crashed. She almost died but William dragged her away from the car. She woke up in the ICU with several injuries. Since the accident, she had headaches for a while, but it was just the concussion. She still has backaches and the doctors said that it might go away. She had pains and felt low and they said it was because of the accident but I fear it's depression. Before the accident, things with Carly have been shaky. She was okay as a child, but things have been difficult since her father left when she was little. Don't get me wrong, she grew into a beautiful young lady. She's caring and kind but she has a temper and stubbornness. But the moment she fell in love with William Beckett, I knew she would never be the same. He was her first boyfriend and she lost her virginity to him. She was up, she was down, but she was never who she was before. At the same time, her father contacted her and let her know that he left because he couldn't handle the responsibility of her. She got upset with me for not stopping him, then she ran away for a few days. She stayed with William and didn't leave a letter saying where she would be. She came back and I don't know what to do. Therapists don't work and I didn't try medication. I was going to when she got into the accident with William._

_I feel I should be truthful in my intentions. I'm writing this application because I feel that Carly will do better in the hands of your doctors. I have nothing left for her. This accident is my excuse to let my daughter go. I've tried to care for her on my own and I can't do it anymore. I'm moving back home to England and Carleen isn't coming with me. Instead, I hope that she will be here receiving the treatment she deserves. When she gets out, she will be better off on her own. I cannot raise her anymore. Tell her I am very sorry and had the best intentions at heart for her._

_-Meredith Michel_

Bez yelled, his fists clenched, his eyes shut tightly. He slouched in his chair and let out a sob. No. He couldn't do this again. He couldn't let this happen again. It happened before to the two girls who ended up being lost causes under his care. They both had files similar to Darling's. Their parents had given up on them and sent them to Cork Tree Infirmary as a way to rid themselves of the responsibility of caring about their daughters. The girls first took well to treatment and then they didn't. They weren't improving and they were soon marked as lost causes and sent to a treatment and therapy center that knew how to help them better than the four doctors could. The contents of the letter continued to play in Bez's head.

"She was up and down," he whispered.

He suddenly understood why Darling had such a bad reaction to _Down and Out_. She was right, it was written about her. It was written about her by a boy who gave up on her, just like her father did, and just like her mother did. Benzedrine sat up and stared at the file on the floor. It made him sick. 

"How could they?" Bez spat. "How could they?!" His voice reverberated in the quiet of his office. He shook his head from side to side, shrugging his shoulders, "Does anyone love Carleen Michel? Am I the only one who really loves her?"

Benzedrine couldn't let Darling be a lost cause. He only had seven Suitehearts, including Darling, and he would be damned if she became a lost cause. She would be different. She had to be different. He left his office and walked swiftly to Darling's room. He had to be near her. He needed to be near her. He felt like he was losing control and there wasn't anything his friends could do to help him. Crab, Catcher, and Sandman would scold him for not reading her file sooner. Rounding the corner, he walked past Joey's door and into Darling's room.

"Hey, Bez!" Darling's smile faded when she saw his face. "What...what's wrong?"

She watched him shut and lock her door and close her blinds. Darling grew anxious, waiting for him to say something, anything, about why he looked as if he'd been crying, or why he'd entered her room this way without greeting her or even kissing her.

"Bez, what's wrong?"

He captured Darling's lips with his, bracing the back of her head with his left hand and stroking the IV's on the top of her hand with his right.

Darling pulled away, "Bez! Bez, tell me what's going on?"

"Darling…" Bez's face fell.

"Bez, what's going on?"

"I read your file, Darling."


End file.
